I want to ESFTSM the whole last year. The whole last 18 months. I want to go back to feeling safe and whole. I want to go back to knowing, in my bones, what is real and what isn’t. I want to go back to being naive and stupid. I want to go back to being the center of your world, the love of your life, the thing you want and need no matter what or when. I want to scream and scream and scream until you HEAR me… until you feel what you’ve done to me. Until it breaks through the concrete to the softness within…. I want to just completely lose my fucking shit. I want to break shit and scream and not stop until my muscles and throat ache from the burn. I want to stop spinning in my head and being constantly on alert. I want to stop feeling like the fucking fool here. I want to go back to our story being something beautiful and rare… but you have made us a statistic and we can’t undo it. And I can’t get through to you. All I want is to get through to you… I NEED it more than air… I NEED you to see the truth in this, not the fantasies. I NEED to hear the words “I love you. Deeply. I don’t want to ever lose you.” I need to FEEL chosen, not just default… I NEED to erase everything.
I’ll never be ok again.