I genuinely do not know anymore if my reactions are normal caregiver burnout or if living with severe contamination OCD for years is starting to break me mentally.
My wife developed severe contamination OCD during COVID while pregnant with our daughter. It has now been five years. Daily life became centered around rituals, showering, avoidance, and accommodations. I adapted to it for years thinking things would eventually improve, but they mostly became more extreme over time.
We finally started ERP therapy a few months ago. There were around 10-12 sessions total, and once I became involved directly in ERP/accommodation work, we only made it through about 3 sessions before it became too overwhelming for her. ERP basically stopped about a month ago, and since then things have emotionally hit me hard.
I have noticed myself changing over the years:
- becoming more irritable and short-tempered
- emotionally numb and exhausted
- venting constantly
- feeling hopeless because nothing I tried seemed to help
- losing patience and empathy at times
- mentally checking out
- leaning toward daily drinking just to shut my brain off at night
The part that messes with me is that I know she is suffering too. I do not think she is choosing this. But at the same time, I feel like I have spent five years slowly adjusting my entire life around OCD, and now I do not even recognize myself emotionally anymore.
I feel guilty even typing this because she is the one with OCD, not me. But I honestly do not know anymore what is a “normal” reaction to years of stress, accommodations, arguments, isolation, lack of intimacy, and feeling trapped by someone else’s anxiety.
For spouses or caregivers of people with severe OCD:
Did you notice yourself emotionally changing over time?
Did you become angry, numb, resentful, depressed, or dependent on unhealthy coping habits?
How did you know when you were burned out versus becoming mentally unhealthy yourself?
I think I spent years focusing entirely on her condition and ignored what it was doing to me mentally.
What really bothers me the most is I am living two completely different lives inside house vs outside house.
Still go to work, do my best at job, mingle with colleagues, losing interest in coming back home to the lifeless living. But its like I can’t be mad because I still have chores and list of things to do as a normal living person.
There are so many wrong things I have do; list is outrageously long. Plus not having any family member of mine in states, closest friends being 6 hours away, not even sure If I can sit down and talk it out with someone about how I feel deep inside.