My partner is enmeshed with his family, and it's destroying our relationship. 32f, 34m.
I'm in a serious relationship. I'm 32f, and him... he's 34m.
We're in a long-distance relationship, and have been together for nearly eight months. We've been in contact, pretty much everyday, through calls as well as video-call. This relationship is the longest relationship he's ever been in, with his total relationship count before me, being nine relationships that never lasted past five months (this one was when he was a teenager, his first one). He mentioned that all of his exes were crazy, never expressing the wrong he did the relationship... And just as well, his family were the ones to convince him to leave each and every one of them.
We first began as friends, but began to develop feelings for each-other and we decided to get into a relationship together. I love him, still... despite the things that have happened.
As our relationship has gone on, I've been noticing strange behavior. Namely his parents (his Father, who is the head of the household, most of all) is becoming more overbearing. It all began a week ago when he was being ganged up on (bullied, rather) to go to bed from his family members (sister, and father). Also, other things - such as him not knowing how to cook for himself, him not knowing how to lodge/navigate insurance claims for medical expenses (his Father takes care of this), him not knowing how to find therapists/psychiatrists himself (he said his Father knows how to find really good ones), and him not managing his own finances (he gives a majority of his earnings to Father, who does whatever he wants with them), his Father drove him to work most of the time (I encouraged him to drive himself).
I'm now questioning the relationship after my partner tried to end the relationship, a second time (first time was related to familial meddling) when peace was disturbed in his family's household. Over what, you ask? I tried to encourage him to put down a boundary with his Father (my partner said he felt resentful towards his parents, treating him like a child) to wait five minutes, whilst me and him were wrapping up a conversation (it was a serious one), but his Father couldn't wait (my partner describes his Father as controlling and impatient, and he is afraid of arguing with him). So, his Father sends my partner's sister in and then he turns off the microphone and he suddenly looks like a terrified little kid. He then begins breaking down. I feel sorry for him, seeing that the tension between the family and our relationship is stressing him out, so I offer to give him a day to himself to soothe himself. Big mistake... he lives with his family, and well, there's really no way of him to get away from them. Next day, he calls me on video call, breaking down and in tears - he then threatens to end the relationship again, because his Father said the relationship was 'destroying' him (my partner, echoing his words) and that me requesting the five minute boundary (one, which my partner agreed to, earlier on) was unreasonable. My partner also ended up devaluing me extremely, treating me like the rest of his exes (to whom he labelled as 'crazy'). I had to spend two hours, reading out texts we've exchanged throughout the course of this relationship, because the things he was saying was not at all objectively correct (contradictory to the things he himself texted, and said) - his sense of reality, warped, so easily. It went to the extent that I broke down myself, due to the weight of feeling the relationship on my shoulders.
My partner identifies as having fearful avoidant/disorganized attachment, and he both loves and fears his Father. So my partner... he can be hot and cold - extremely loving, and extremely cold (he says he freezes up/doesn't know what to say) when we're having a disagreement, or his family is involved.
I feel traumatized by the whole experience. And it's been really difficult; A week ago... I felt really good about the relationship, and I was really looking forward to our future. I'm not sure what to do. He's visiting me in 3 weeks... And after what has happened, I'm not sure if it's worth it anymore.
If you could give me some advice, I'd appreciate it. I do love him, and part of me does believe in him - I understand he's been through a lot in his childhood, and I have a lot of empathy for him, I just find it hard to believe anything he tells me anymore.
Edit: Spoke to my partner, apparently his Father said our relationship was 'toxic' after my partner told him everything about our relationship. I asked him why he spilled everything to his Father, and he said "I don't know why I did it..." And he said that he shared personal things about my upbringing to his family. I told him that he doesn't have any right to share anything personal about my life with anyone. Since your candid and wonderful advice (thank-you everyone), I have set boundaries with him... and if he crosses them, I will have no choice but to leave the relationship. You are correct that I shouldn't put up with this (no one should).