u/Able_Ad_5770

It’s unbearable. It happens every day all day and all night. I can’t sleep. How do I experience relief?

I am afraid to post on this thread because I know lots of people will tell me things I don’t want to hear about myself, yet they are things I know are true. I had an affair on my husband for 8 months in 2016. I regret it every second of every day, as he is the most wonderful man that i know. I love him so deeply. More than I ever have anyone else. I know that doesn’t make sense how I could do such a thing. I refuse to justify it. We stayed together and have for 8 years now and are stronger than ever. 17 years married. Most days he is happy and we are happy and close and we have a great sex life. Some days like today, he’s destroyed and goes back to an abyss I could never understand. He has nightmares, dreams, self-doubt, anxiety, wonders about all of the unknown and whether I’ve done it multiple times. I’ve told him the truth and have repented completely. I feel so horrible I could take my own life if it meant he could be healed from my evil and selfish decision, if it weren’t for our beautiful son. For people who have stayed together, are you all okay? Tell me exactly your challenges. We will never part. We are here together forever. But we will forever both be destroyed by what I’ve done.