Why does nobody like to stay?
I’ve realized something over the last few years that’s honestly haunted me since I was a kid: I never really understood how easily people can leave each other behind.
I remember almost everyone I’ve ever cared about. I remember the people who hurt me, the people who made me laugh, the random moments that probably meant nothing to them but stayed burned into my head forever. I remember sleepovers from elementary school, inside jokes, late night talks, tiny moments like getting a ride home from karate practice in second grade and thinking someone’s big house and golden retriever puppy were the coolest thing I’d ever seen.
All these memories stack up inside me like boxes in an attic nobody else remembers packing.
That’s the part that hurts. Realizing people can move on like you never made even the slightest dent in their lives, while you’re still carrying pieces of them years later.
I’m 24 now, and over the last 2 or 3 years I’ve developed a pretty bad relationship with drugs and alcohol. It’s put me in situations that weren’t good for me or anyone around me. At this point I understand why some people may want distance from me now. I really do. But the feeling of being disposable existed long before the addiction did. Even back when I actually liked the person I was, it still felt like eventually everyone drifted away.
Almost two years ago my only real adult relationship ended, and honestly I don’t blame her. I pushed away the one person who actually made me feel seen because I was too busy chasing validation from the rest of the world and from people I thought would be lifelong friends.
Now I spend most of my time escaping. I bury myself in dreams because I’ve always had insanely vivid ones. When I’m awake, I disappear into TV shows, video games, stories, anything that lets me live somewhere else for a while. And when none of that works, I drink myself to sleep just so I don’t have to sit with my own thoughts.
I’m not suicidal or in danger of hurting myself. I just feel cursed sometimes. Like there’s something fundamentally wrong with the way I connect to people. No matter the friend group, no matter the environment, no matter how hard I try to be there for people and make them laugh and feel cared about, eventually I end up feeling pushed out.
And maybe what hurts most is realizing the only people who have truly stayed are my family. I love them deeply, and I don’t take that for granted. They’ve stood by me through every failure, every unrealistic dream, every time I’ve fallen flat on my face.
But part of me wishes someone outside of blood obligation would choose me too.
Not because they have to. Not because we’re drunk at a bar at 2 AM. Just because they genuinely wanted me in their life. Wanted to hear me talk about my interests or passions. Wanted me around.
I don’t even fully know why I’m posting this. Maybe I just needed to finally say it somewhere. Or maybe I’m hoping there are other people out there who feel this same strange kind of loneliness where you remember everyone, but feel forgotten by almost everybody.