My mentally ill boyfriend (M19) makes me (F20) so sad but I love him so much. Should I stay with him?
I love my boyfriend so much and the first three months of our relationship was amazing. The first time I met him I was in awe of his intelligence and beauty and he vowed that night that he would marry me. On our first date he asked me out and could barely speak because he was so entranced by me. I have never felt so loved by anyone in my life. He brought me to meet all his family and friends very early on and he met all of mine, all going very well. We are from the same area but go to colleges in different cities so once every week one of us would take the 2 hour train to the other’s respective city. He showered me with love, affection, gifts and planned so many fun dates for us. Whenever I was upset or worried, a short phone call with him was enough to make me happy again. I have never felt so close or connected with anyone in the world before.
About three months into our relationship, my boyfriend was hitting with crippling clinical depression which forced him to drop out of medical school. I tried to do all I could to make him feel better and I spent every second I wasn’t in college with him. He told me I helped him so much and gave him the courage to tell other people about his problems and to eventually seek treatment.
Around this time, my boyfriend started to tell me how he felt insecure and disgusted by my sexual history. He was a virgin when he met me and I was far from that. He became obsessed with my body count (7) and sent me endless instagram reels about how this number means I can never form true bonds and was more likely to cheat. I would receive a string of texts in the early hours of the morning about how my past disgusted him and made him want to die. He asked me many questions about my past which made me extremely uncomfortable and very upset. He later told me it was one of the reasons he self harmed.
While we would still spend a lot of time together and made a lot of good memories, it was often tainted by his sudden mood swing which would sometimes involve criticism of me. For example, he often brought up things i said many months ago and used it against me. One time he refused to talk to me because I put on fake eyelashes which he did not like. He wouldn’t talk to me again until I took them off. Through all this time he would tell me I am the most beautiful girl in the world and the love of his life and the most amazing person he knows. He told me I was the only thing keeping him alive almost everyday and that he would kill himself without me.
He attempted suicide around 5 months into our relationship. He was soon after admitted to a psychiatric hospital. The week before he was admitted to hospital I spent almost all the week at his house. If I tried to go home to my parents he would start hysterically crying and refuse to speak to me. When I eventually went home he would text me that he didn’t love me and didn’t want to see me again, and then come back a few hours later and apologise and say that he loves me so much.
He had very sparing use of his phone in the hospital, but when he did and he knew I was going out with my friends he would tell me that if I drank he would kill himself or accuse me of cheating. He would always apologise later.
I am best friends with my parents so I tell them all my feelings. He told me he was uncomfortable with me speaking about our problems with my parents and promise me not to tell them anything because they would grow to resent him. If I mentioned ever that I said something about our issues to my parents he would get extremely pissed with me. This made me feel very isolated. I refrained from speaking about him to my therapist because he said she would want me to break up with him.
On my visits to see him in hospital, we would always have such a good time together and I feel so loved by him. He wanted me to register to sign marriage papers with him so he would have something to live for. I have always wanted a big wedding which we cannot afford now and feel far too young for marriage now, but I agreed to do it but said I didn't have enough money now, just to make him happy.
Last weekend, I went out drinking with my friends and sent him a picture of my dress. He told me it was disrespectful to wear that and a form of micro cheating. Then he brought up an “inappropriate“ skirt I wore months ago. When I told him I was drinking, he told me to “fuck off” and “never come near him again”. I turned off my phone for the rest of the night. He self harmed by breaking his nose. He always says he knows he is horrible and manipulative to me.
The next day, with a lot of convincing from my parents, I told him I needed a temporary break because the relationship was not viable in the long term if we continued this way. He told me he didn’t think he’d be able to survive without me and that he was going to kill himself. I immediately rang his family who I have stayed in contact with since to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself.
It has been about a week since I spoke to him last and I have felt so calm and relaxed. I know he has sent me many texts but I am refusing to read them. I feel so evil and guilty for abandoning him now when he has such poor mental health. I love him so much but I feel better now, even if I know I will feel lonely later. He is my best friend so I don’t want to leave him. I really see myself marrying him and having children with him, as long as his mental health improves. None of the awful things he does now happened when he was in good health.
What should I do?
TL;DR my boyfriend is mentally ill and treats me badly now, but treated me perfectly before. Should I stay with him?