I’m 22M, my partner is 23NB, and we’ve been dating for 3 (nearly 4) years.
I have been feeling pretty emotionally unsupported in our relationship for a very long while now. Part of this is that I used to be more of a cry-er early in the relationship, but it turned out I had a hormone issue and now that I’m not, it seems my partners ability to notice when I need support has gone out the window. It’s not like I haven’t told my partner when and how I need support either. I have been incredibly clear on behaviours that make me feel actively unsupported and behaviours that make me feel actively supported, and when I need them, but nothing happens, and by the time I do get the support I feel so drained from having to hassle them into it that it doesn’t feel helpful anymore (I’m talking days and days of nudging, not expecting my mind read or anything).
I’m not proud of this, but it has led me to being pretty sarcastic and mean, especially when they do the actively unsupportive thing. It’s definitely enough that they’ve noticed, and I can tell it makes them sad. I feel terrible about this and want to stop, but if I continue to feel like I’m being as supportive as I can be and they’re putting in very little effort, I know it will continue to slip out as I’m starting to get very angry and resentful (again, not proud of this).
Obviously I need to have a serious sit-down and talk about it, but my partner has a very stressful family situation coming up soon and I do not want to add more stress (the lack of support predates the current family issue by a long time, that’s not the reason before anyone asks). Also, a slightly more mean motivation is that I know that they will defer blame if given the opportunity, and the family thing will be another reason for them to do that, frankly. However, i also don’t want to be snappy towards them during a stressful period, and while I’m not usually someone who struggles with that I’ve had a very busy stressful time recently, and am considerably wound up. If I’d realised how wound up this was making me I would’ve said something sooner, but these things build, and unfortunately, frog-in-water style, I’m at a boiling point.
All that being said, my partner, for all the lovely things about them (I know this hasn’t been a glowing description so far but I’m with them on purpose lol), does not take this sort of criticism well, and it is going to make them feel terrible to hear it no matter how nicely I phrase it. The only way I could phrase it so it wouldn’t upset them would be to say it so indirectly they won’t get it.
With all that being said, do I
A) tell them now, knowing it could potentially make me a better partner during a difficult time, meaning they are able to receive more support from me, while also alleviating the general ill-will I’m feeling, but also knowing it could make them more stressed while doing nothing to help the problem I’m having, or
B) tell them afterwards knowing that the extent to which they will need support is going to be jeopardised by me being in a crappy mood with them (but probably not too significantly because I really value being a good boyfriend, but there will still be some impact).
To me, option A has the best possible outcome and the worst possible outcome (and a bit inbetween), but option B is the most likely to be somewhere on the fine-meh spectrum with a good long term outcome. I usually tend to value option B style outcomes, but I’m feeling a lot of guilt and annoyance so the urge to just get it over with is making me second guess. Help?
Edit: I realised this is important to add, but I really really try to be a present partner through small annoyances and major issues, I am not just going “support! Support me!” And giving nothing back. I’m more just slightly miffed at the lack of reciprocity, which is something I value in this particular case