Salam Alykum.
I thought it was gone from my heart and nafs after marriage, the first three months I was free of it but I don’t know what happened then. It’s been months since then and I haven’t been able to make it to a month without doing it or watching filth. I lasted all of Ramadan, but not after it.
Recently I tried writing, during break at work I’d spend the last few minutes writing reminders and updates on my journey. The last two days I didn’t and that’s when I fell into it again. Some other things that really helped me was not using my phone in the washroom as that was a huge trigger for me, so much so that just having it in my pocket or near me was dangerous. Normally I’d leave it in my locker and that would help, but I was recently careless and forgetful. I cried yesterday but not today.
I love my wife, I love her so much and it angers me this is the situation I’ve put myself in. This sin is making me numb from the second day already, it’s dangerous and it turns you careless, it makes you forget about the fear you should have of Allah subhannah wa ta’ala.
I’ve been addicted for a long time, a very long time, and I’ve considered telling someone but it’s far too shameful, far too embarrassing, this is the first time I’m telling anybody and it’s anonymously. I say this in hopes it can help me, any kind words any encouragement or tips of any kind, I’ll take anything I can get.