Life has kicked me down so many times.
Just wanted to share my life with strangers since I have no one to talk to.
Grew up in an abusive home and got out when I was 19. I moved into an apartment and I had a g/f who needed a place to stay. We ended up getting married young at 20. That was the first time I was happy. Just us at a church and no one else. We had zero support from either side. We worked, grew and struggled together. Life kicked our asses around but we never gave up. We always had hopes and dreams about making it one day. 10yrs after at 30 I landed a good job but was only able to do it for a year until I fell sick. I probably went to the ER for 3 months every week to figure out what was wrong with me. The list was long, I was leaking protein, bad kidneys, high blood pressure, diabetes, bad liver, I mean the only thing they recommend for me to do is more test which took more time away from work and I just couldn’t do it. Bills needed to be paid and wife was struggling alone so I ignored all of it. The problem was I couldn’t go back to my 9-5. I needed to sit every hour and was out of breath most of the time so I had to find work else where. I did 3 part time jobs 2-3 jobs at a time so I could rest in between but then pandemic hit and I lost those jobs. I did food delivery during pandemic to get by and since then I’ve been stuck doing odds job. I tried to get a full time job but my body can’t make it. I decided to go to the doc one more time and same scenario more test more time off for diagnostics and every medication they gave me just makes me severely drowsy to a point I can’t even stand. Had to come off all of it because I needed to work. Now I’m 40 years old yesterday and I feel hopeless and tired. I don’t own a house or have kids because we can’t afford either. I can’t hold a full time job because of my health and I’m stuck doing food deliveries and part time work. We are swamped in credit card bills and both wife and I look like we aged 20yrs and in our 60s. I’ve stop sleeping a few years ago and now I stay awake until I can’t go no more and hope I get a couple hours because of all the stress. As I’m laying here thinking about the next 10 years I feel I can’t make it and sometimes ending my life might be better . Maybe my wife can find someone else who is healthier and can provide a better life but then sometimes I worry about causing her pain and I snap out of it. I’ve been eating healthy and try to get as much exercise I can in the last few years but nothing heals me. I feel over the years in my 20s I’ve damaged my body that cannot heal and now I’m paying for it. I’ve read stories on Reddit that others started over in their 40s and 50s and it gives me hope but sometimes it really gets to me I need someone to talk to. Thank you for reading