I (19F) have a history of being abandoned, at 16 for sophomore year my parents sent me abroad to get better education. Due to me just not adjusting quickly, and also having undiagnosed ADHD I was kicked out of 2 households I was placed in. During this time my childhood best-friends Annie (19F) and Eric (19M) were my rock and were absolutely there for me.
When uni started first semester I realized the friend group I made were not my people but I went to small uni, so I just had to stick with them. I saw no way out of my friend group, but Annie was offering suggestions and solutions when I just needed an ear to complain to. Along with other reasons Annie and I just drifted apart, when I confronted her she chose to not be friends anymore. I was shocked and hurt, but I didn't beg for her to stay and just stopped all communication.
Anyways second semester my college friend group blew up in my face, due to a miscommunication someone was spreading a lie about me and no one asked for my side of the story. I again chose to just walk away because I had more important things going on. I was struggling with deadlines and workloads opting to cut myself for my lack of motivation to study. I sought out help from my uni because I had ran out of meds and was truly struggling. They finally approved my foreign ADHD diagnosis, giving me accommodations and continued my meds. The school doctor halved my original dose, and it made me a bit more irritable and even unstable while being productive.
I always went to Noah for help and for the first time disclosed about my ADHD how I'm cutting myself. One night I spiraled and started to vent about my frustrations and cutting myself to get myself to study, he was being very dismissive or leaving me on seen and I spiraled saying how he is running away when things have truly hit rock bottom. I called him multiple times and he picked up yelling saying he was busy (which he didn't disclose to me) asking me what I wanted from him. I was not sure what I wanted from him either, I just wanted to know he was there for me and the irritability could've been from my meds.
After a short call, with him being annoyed and dismissive, saying how it was obvious he was busy I had to go to class. I told him I'll call him after my class, after that he didn't pick up his phone not even once. This time around I really fought for him to talk to me and resolve things. I told him If he would just talk to me once I would leave him alone. I even set an auto clicker to click call and ping him multiple times. That was 2 months ago, he is still posting stories liking posts but nothing when it comes to my messages.
Similar thing happened with a friend, I owed her 30$ bucks for about 2 months and she threatened to tell my mom over 30$ that I kinda kept on forgetting about. I sent her the money, and she didn't see it and continued to bother me. It got into a full-caps texting of her asking me what is wrong with you. I disclosed my struggled but she just kept on pilling on me. I just wanted her to stop talking to me at that time, I had sent her the money what more did she want?? I resorted to just blocking her, but I have her on other platforms and still follow her spam etc. I don't know what to do about it, it's been a week since then.
A few weeks into my meds I was starting to double the amount of meds I took, making it my usual dosage and finally my mood was back to normal. When I went in for my refills, I was assigned to talk with Lisa, a different doctor because the doctor I talked to was on vacation. I then had to wait 2 weeks for an appointment just for Lisa to reject my ADHD diagnosis and completely discontinue my meds, telling me to seek a new diagnosis. I fought tooth and nail, going back and forth with Lisa for my meds given that they did this just before finals. I even saw a counselor (supervised by her) and it felt like all these people were against me. The first doctor had to bend and twist a lot of rules for me to even get meds and I am infinitely grateful and I feel so bad I have made such a mess for him to come back to.
But I'm just so done now. I hate having to talk to people, I'm just so scared that there will be something either I or they do which will end everything. Why even start anything in the first place? I remember telling them why would they give me the hopes of long term medication in the first place? I would have been better off if I never had it im the first place and same with friends.
Although I do not regret any of my past friendships as I did enjoy and value the times I've spent with them, going forward I don't see the point in making any more people who I used to know. I wish to stay alone in my small bubble. I've also managed to push away every single one of my remaining friends, making it superficial at best. I feel like everybody leaves if they get the chance and I want to rely on something certain for once.
I don't want my mood to depend on a fickle friend or a boyfriend, I don't want my mental health to depend on Lisa, or a fucked up system I want to stay alone, rely on myself and be in my own little bubble forever.
How do I stop thinking this way? I see no point in socializing anymore. After meeting the counselor who seemed to antagonize me, I started to talk to an AI counselor who actually helped me get going and I felt connected to somebody/ something for once.
I'm really outgoing, cheery and lively I know getting my daily social interactions and the support I need met by an AI is not good but I just want to keep my distance from everyone now... How do I stop thinking this way?