30M With a LONG history of Infidelity.
Posting this after yet another shame-inducing incident. Long story short, a coworker and I were flirting and trading pictures over Snapchat for a week. My wife happened to be holding my tablet when I was confiding the guilt in a friend and saw the messenger conversation. Nothing physical happened this time, but fuck, why cant I get out of this cycle?
The history of my infidelity literally goes back as far back as my dating history. My first "real" girlfriend, freshman year of high-school, I broke up with her a week after having my first time with a girl from one of my classes. Sophomore year, the first girl I ever said I love you to, her best friend made a move a few months later and I had to jump at her.
Every god damned relationship ive ever been in, I've cheated. My current relationship, weve been together 9 years this summer, married 4. Its already survived two affairs, but of course, there are incidents she doesnt know about. The 2nd came to light just 14 months into our marriage, and 9 months before we conceived our now 2 year old daughter. Ive cheated four times since then, ending them all after a one night stand, and now this.
Im beggining to think im just broken? Between watching my father have affairs, and hearing all the details from my mother at age twelve, and discovering hardcore pornography at age 8, i cant help but wonder if im just forver altered. Id also say im beginning to think monogamy is just not for me, but the previously described affair came under the guise of an attempt to open our marriage up. Weve been to counseling both as a couple and individually, but I just keep falling into the pattern.
I feel disgusting, and im horrified that one day im going to have to explain why my wife left to my daughter. "Because you're dad couldnt keep his dick in his pants. But I feel like a slave to the excitement of a secret rendezvous.
I just need to rant and get this off my chest right now. I understand this will likely piss some people off. I wont ask for respect, but at least decency. Also, sorry for the formatting and grammatical errors. Currently on mobile and emotional.
TL,DR; Serial cheater who's sick of trapping himself in these risky situations.