Is my girlfriend checked out?
Sorry this is one of my first posts so it might be a bit all over the place. This is about myself (22m) and my girlfriend(21f).
We got into a fight that was incredibly silly and basically over nothing. What it started over isn’t important, it’s the fact that it devolved so quickly over something so stupid and it turned into both people being prideful and needing to be right (mostly me as she tried to bridge the gap a couple times and I missed it). The night ended with me saying I was upset with how things were playing out, her saying I could come over and play games with her and her friends, and me not seeing that as an invitation for us to talk and sort things out and saying “I guess I’ll just go fuck myself then”. The next day when she reached out and asked if we could talk later I said I would’ve rather talked yesterday and things devolved from there again until we were just both angry and again, neither budging on who was wrong or right. In this situation I was objectively correct, as stupid and unimportant as the argument was, and I simply could not let that go for some reason. Eventually when I asked her to talk later she said no and she wanted space which at the time I saw as unfair since it had already been 24+ hours since everything started and I am endlessly anxious when we wait to talk. I didn’t feel like I could wait any longer let alone go to work again the next day but my phone calls and texts were getting bricked instantly. She just said she wanted space and hung up on me and shut her phone off. I drove over to her house we only live a couple minutes from each other and went in asking to talk. She kept saying get out and honestly, I never once thought at the time that I could be seen as a scary person. In hindsight me as a big guy and her and her roommates all being very tiny girls I can see how the lack of control and potential anger/aggression surrounding the situation could be scary and uncomfortable. I work at an urgent care, as an EMT, am a combat medic in the army, have never been a violent person even for games, and seldom have I ever raised my voice because I know I’m very loud and that can be scary. In the house I wasn’t yelling or screaming I was just asking to talk and I didn’t realize I was genuinely being kicked out of the house in that manner until the 3rd time she said it which is when I left crying. On my way out I threw her keys in the house, since I was borrowing her car, into the living room through the doorway. No one was in the living room and I did it for the fact that I couldn’t get myself to go back inside with how I felt. She also says I slammed the door and if that’s true it wasn’t intentional so it couldn’t have been disturbingly hard. We didn’t talk for a couple days after and when we did I unloaded my apologies. We get into petty fights and I’ll admit I know that I’ve let my pride and pettiness drag stupid things way farther than they’ve had to be dragged in the past. I’ll never forgive myself that it took something this extreme to be an eye opening event for me but I really have been trying. Reading self help books and carrying a little notebook on me to take notes and journal, going to therapy, and forcing myself into mentally healthy habits like running and meditation. Over the course of the next week we went on a walk or two for about 20 minutes and just talked like normal. I apologized to her roommates over text for how I acted and for barging into their house uninvited and the only response I got was an “I appreciate it” from one of them which is pretty good considering I wasn’t expecting forgiveness or an answer, and one of them sent a dog side eyeing the camera meme, which felt like a mockery of my apology but what are you gonna do. Eventually we met up and she wanted to break up but everything she was saying was that she didn’t want to break up. More like she was doing it because on paper it seems like the right choice to make. I pleaded and said that I hear everything she’s saying about the love and faith she has for us and how she doesn’t want it to end and doesn’t see herself with anyone else and asked her to try. There was so much space being driven between us of course it wasn’t going to feel like we could work. We drove home together from school for Easter and everything feels normal when we’re together. We hold hands, are talking and laughing, kiss hi and bye, I saw her family, so on. When we got back we’ve gone on a date to a brewery, which is a step in the right direction from a 15 minute walk. I’m so confused cause everything feels so normal when we’re together but when we’re not it feels like there’s space being driven between us because she takes an intentionally long time to answer me which leaves us to not talk much throughout the day, she is prioritizing any and every plan that comes her way and doesn’t seem to have any intention of putting intentional time aside for us (i.e. I asked her to go to a dance class with me and she wanted to go but wanted to make sure she was home to pregame for trivia night at the bar which I was also going to so it’s not like she wouldn’t have made it.) When we went out to the brewery I picked her up at 7 and she said she wanted to be home by 8:30 for plans with her roommates. I understand she needs space and we’re distant right now as we work our way together but this doesn’t seem like a way that anyone can have an open mind. Even someone you’ve barely met and you go on a first date with you don’t put a time limit on it or how will anyone properly enjoy that? Sorry if this is a mess. I just feel very lost in this situation and honestly feel like it’s blown up much more than I deserve. Yes I’ve been the cause of petty arguments degrading into anger and unnecessary bigger fights in the past but I’ve never been reactive or done anything like this in the past and it’s frustrating that it almost feels like it’s my new character in everyone’s eyes regardless of anything I’ve ever done that speaks otherwise. I’m respecting her space and pace and know that nothing can make this happen instantly. I want to show through small actions when I can that I am tackling things and reacting differently. But how am I really going to be provided that chance when it doesn’t even feel like we’re interacting as a real couple anymore? Of course I love hanging out with her and am super happy to see us taking our slow steps forward, but she barely wants to come over anymore, obviously I’m not invited to hers, we don’t sleep together (either way but I’m talking about cuddling and sleeping), and almost every plan I try gets trumped by anything else she could be doing?