u/AShotInTheDark89

Oh to let you go were that even possible… as if. That's the trouble with having lives that revolved around one another for over a decade… there's residuals. There's overlap. We could run into one another at events, hobby activities, common interests, etc. When visiting friends or relatives. At the grocery store. There's still people in both our lives and there always will be. You'll come up in conversation whether I want you to or not, it's inevitable.

What I don't understand is how you aren't constantly reminded of traumatizing “your best friend, your lover, your twin flame.” I guess that doesn't happen when you're the perpetrator. I don't understand how you can live with yourself/selves but I guess that also factors into how I'll never understand how you could do the things you did. I couldn't live with myself knowing I was intentionally hurting someone I claimed to love and want a future with cause it suited my wants. Cause it was easier to do the wrong thing than the right thing. It makes me wonder if it even fazes you when you encounter the overlap in our lives, people or otherwise. It must not. I guess I have to stop trying to understand, I'm not going to and will go crazy trying.

I need to realize I'll never understand what happened because I'd never do the same thing, you couldn't convince me it was worth the outcome. I really wonder if I knew you at all, or just a filtered version that used me until you changed your mind. I can understand people grow and change over time but it's hard to believe someone would grow into a monster, a villain because it was less work.

Oh to let you go were that even possible… as if. That's the trouble with having lives that revolved around one another for over a decade… there's residuals. There's overlap. We could run into one another at events, hobby activities, common interests, etc. When visiting friends or relatives. At the grocery store. There's still people in both our lives and there always will be. You'll come up in conversation whether I want you to or not, it's inevitable.

What I don't understand is how you aren't constantly reminded of traumatizing “your best friend, your lover, your twin flame.” I guess that doesn't happen when you're the perpetrator. I don't understand how you can live with yourself/selves but I guess that also factors into how I'll never understand how you could do the things you did. I couldn't live with myself knowing I was intentionally hurting someone I claimed to love and want a future with cause it suited my wants. Cause it was easier to do the wrong thing than the right thing. It makes me wonder if it even fazes you when you encounter the overlap in our lives, people or otherwise. It must not. I guess I have to stop trying to understand, I'm not going to and will go crazy trying.

I need to realize I'll never understand what happened because I'd never do the same thing, you couldn't convince me it was worth the outcome. I really wonder if I knew you at all, or just a filtered version that used me until you changed your mind. I can understand people grow and change over time but it's hard to believe someone would grow into a monster, a villain because it was less work.

I've been thinking about writing about the people who read my posts and reach out thinking I'm their person.

It's never really disappointing to me cause I know you'll never be here but I feel for them and their disappointment. They're let down. I can only hope they find their ways or their people. I try to find solace in the knowledge that others are lost but I'm not sure solace is really the outcome. It's more melancholy that hurt can hold such heavy sway and sad compassion. It's a learning experience, there's no doubt about that, but sometimes ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I envy ignorance… sometimes.

Or maybe I envy the narcissist or the hypocrite. Their ignorance seems to work in their favor. It worked for you at my expense. Definitely didn't work out for me. I can not get the things that happened, things I can't believe happened out of my head. It's an internal struggle between emotions and rationality. It's ridiculous. There's nothing more I can do about them. But their carnage is always present, I live it. So you're on my mind throughout the days, some worse than others, some triggers are worse than others but I'm trying day to day.

At some point that's gotta count for something. It's all I can tell myself as I live life without you. It isn't life anymore and I'm not really inclined to make a new one either thanks to ours, to you. But I try. It's the little things I fight with the most and I often sit with thoughts hoping to heal or let go or reclaim.

I wonder if you or the kids still play our phone game. It's not very likely but if you do, I still do. I wonder if we'd still compare our accomplishments in it if we still shared anything.

I did some chores today, they're chores I have because of things we did together and it felt lonesome. It felt like maybe I shouldn't have them in my life anymore and I'm considering the process of no longer having them. Habits, interests, just those little things that bonded us that are now a hollow memory of you. I'll think about it awhile and decide if it matters to me without you or whether they're chores/things I don't want anymore.

There's a movie coming out that made me think of you. It's an outdoor adventure thriller. I might go see it and think about how we used to trust each other's lives in one another's hands and how it's really a mindfuck. It didn't mean the same or as much to you as it did for me, and that I'm here trying to decide how I can keep memories of you, of a life with you - without them being tainted. The disappointing fact is they are, whether I keep them or not.

​

I've been thinking about writing about the people who read my posts and reach out thinking I'm their person.

It's never really disappointing to me cause I know you'll never be here but I feel for them and their disappointment. They're let down. I can only hope they find their ways or their people. I try to find solace in the knowledge that others are lost but I'm not sure solace is really the outcome. It's more melancholy that hurt can hold such heavy sway and sad compassion. It's a learning experience, there's no doubt about that, but sometimes ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I envy ignorance… sometimes.

Or maybe I envy the narcissist or the hypocrite. Their ignorance seems to work in their favor. It worked for you at my expense. Definitely didn't work out for me. I can not get the things that happened, things I can't believe happened out of my head. It's an internal struggle between emotions and rationality. It's ridiculous. There's nothing more I can do about them. But their carnage is always present, I live it. So you're on my mind throughout the days, some worse than others, some triggers are worse than others but I'm trying day to day.

At some point that's gotta count for something. It's all I can tell myself as I live life without you. It isn't life anymore and I'm not really inclined to make a new one either thanks to ours, to you. But I try. It's the little things I fight with the most and I often sit with thoughts hoping to heal or let go or reclaim.

I wonder if you or the kids still play our phone game. It's not very likely but if you do, I still do. I wonder if we'd still compare our accomplishments in it if we still shared anything.

I did some chores today, they're chores I have because of things we did together and it felt lonesome. It felt like maybe I shouldn't have them in my life anymore and I'm considering the process of no longer having them. Habits, interests, just those little things that bonded us that are now a hollow memory of you. I'll think about it awhile and decide if it matters to me without you or whether they're chores/things I don't want anymore.

There's a movie coming out that made me think of you. It's an outdoor adventure thriller. I might go see it and think about how we used to trust each other's lives in one another's hands and how it's really a mindfuck. It didn't mean the same or as much to you as it did for me, and that I'm here trying to decide how I can keep memories of you, of a life with you - without them being tainted. The disappointing fact is they are, whether I keep them or not.