Loneliness after a bad past…
TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE
I’m struggling with severe loneliness and the depression is becoming a bit much to handle…
In 2012, my daughter died at four months old due to congenital Cytomegalovirus. I had a bad childhood growing up and, after she passed, my family pretty much brushed it all under the rug and I had no one to talk to about my grief. I had two more sons after that and then ended up getting divorced. I never sought therapy during that time. In 2020, I finally sought help and was diagnosed with Borderline. Getting the diagnosis was pretty devastating. I tried therapy and meds for nine months. Unfortunately, I slipped into a psychosis after that.
I don’t identify with any of this because, if I could go back, I would gladly stop myself. I hate that I did this…
In 2021, I attempted suicide and ended up in a coma with liver and kidney failure for ten days. Then, I recovered…
Half of my family shunned me. I was excommunicated from my church. I lost every friend I had. The rest of my family really didn’t want me around. I moved in with my grandparents and then I ended up homeless for a year after my grandpa died of pancreatic cancer. I had to climb my way back up through society and finally found a job that aligned with my degree. Then, I met my husband and moved in with him. Then, he cheated on me before I was married. Things were getting better with my family at that point, but going through him cheating, they quickly didn’t want me around again.
My husband and I worked through it, he’s a better man now, and I have since forgiven him.
At this time, I’m on FMLA from my job due to getting diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia and needing some time to reset mentally. I went inpatient at the beginning of my FMLA, then went through PHP, and now I am in intensive outpatient therapy. I’ve tried so hard to branch out, get anyone to like me, and I continue therapy almost every day.
No one at church or my family has reached out. I have no friends. No matter what I try to do to overcome my past, it’s never enough.
I have my husband and my sons.
I finally overcame my suicidal thoughts and have learned a lot through therapy.
I’ve changed a lot and I can’t imagine why I did what I did…I love my sons so much and want to be here for every moment. I thought I would always be a bad mom not being able to overcome the grief of losing my daughter…I no longer believe that.
Lately, it’s been so lonely…especially every other week when I don’t have my sons…
I’ve tried branching out and meeting new people, but after a while, they stop reaching out.
I feel forgotten about.
My family never reaches out.
The only people I speak to outside of my sons and husband are online (my therapy group and therapists).
…Last night I was so lonely that I broke down in tears and had a panic attack. I fell asleep crying on my husband…
I’m on an antidepressant, but as soon as it wears off, I can feel it and just start crying because I miss my old life before I attempted - I would do anything to have my friends and family back…
My mom and I just started speaking to each other again after five years…
I know that what I did was wrong…but, I feel like I’ve honestly paid my penance and I just want to have friends and family…I just want a normal life…and no matter how hard I try to get it, it always falls out of my grasp..