Hey, Reddit! I'am 22(M) and there is my story.
My feelings have been frozen for a long time, and only now am I ready to tell the truth.
The inability to influence events around you is the greatest weakness of a person who is a nobody. As long as life is in full swing within a person, they are capable of change, of emulating, of learning new things. But I encountered an obstacle beyond my power. And it took everything from me.
This is a long-term irrational fear due to my mother's behavior.
It all started about 8-9 years ago. I was an ordinary schoolboy and suddenly my mother's behavior changed. After work, she abruptly went into the bathroom and started stabbing bottles with a knife. Meanwhile, she was attributing demonic traits to her coworkers in fictitious scenarios. Before that, she just sat on the couch and watched TV.At first I was startled by the sudden noise, and then I became paralyzed. Then I abruptly left the house, thinking I had imagined it all.The next day everything happened again...
At that time, my access to the Internet was limited and I couldn’t, due to my sensitivity, file a complaint against her with the guardianship authorities.Her condition worsened with each passing day. I felt increasingly lost and began to neglect my homework just to save my strength.I got used to the sudden sounds in the house at this point.
Something bad happened when I was 16. She tried to kill me, but I managed to get the police out and she was taken to a mental hospital for a month. Then I got unlimited internet and I started watching YouTube videos without control, just to relieve myself of anxiety.
At 17, I entered college for a major I couldn't handle. I knew I needed promise and physical interaction(gardering) with people to learn, but I ended up studying systems administration because of my average results.Distance learning was terrible because I don't know how to use a computer. In the end, I was expelled in my second year at 19.
That's when my mother found a new job. Everything was going well until she started blaming her colleagues again and not doing her job. A year later she was fired.
At 20, I was diagnosed with COPD. Chronic stress ruined my health.
And for the past two years, her behavior has become unbearable. She curses her neighbors out of the window, screams in a crowbar, speaks in obscenities, and carries all sorts of trash from who knows where.One time the police broke down the door to arrest my mother. And the feeling that my safety and life could be lost because of her irresponsibility is frightening.
Right now I can't find a job. I feel like I exist and don't live. Every day seems to me to be the same as the previous one, I have lost the ability to remember anything. My brain is stuck at 14 years old out of fear, so as not to completely lose my mind. I tried to find a hobby for myself, but I have no energy for anything.
The only thing that saves me is books. In them, I see the lives of polite, responsible, and passionate people, whether they are real or not.
I have little social experience and no social skills. That's why I'm afraid to be friends and start relationships. For me, communication is a complex puzzle where you need to understand the situation with the help of intuition, and with the help of speech and understanding, solve a specific issue, using your knowledge and experience of communicating with a person.
And finally, I watch Doctor Who season 9, episode 11 every day, simply because I'm afraid to speak my thoughts out loud, and I admire how confidently the Doctor voices them. And the final scene with the Azbanthium wall shocks me. Loktor was able to break through it in 4.5 billion years, but I can’t get past it. I’m weak, I have no will to live, I want to die. I want it all to end.
(Sorry of mistakes, I used Google Translate)