u/ADavies24

I [21M] am breaking up with my gf [21F] after 3 years, mainly because of her ADHD and that my parents don't approve of her because of her ADHD. This is heartbreaking to even write but I will try my best to write as coherently as I can.

I've been dating this girl since the summer before we started college and she has been really loving, kind, and caring. We have a lot of shared interests and we communicate very well, which is something we've been pretty proud of as a couple. Recently, however, with graduation coming up and entering a new stage of life, I had to really think about our future and if there still is one and, because of some important issues, I cannot imagine an ideal future with her anymore, which really hurt. I will take the blame that I was so blinded by all her positives that I brushed off/overlooked any negatives regarding her ADHD.

1. For one, her room would always be pretty dirty with a lot of things lying around, and she would forget to do some tasks like brushing her teeth, eat, clean her room a bit, etc. and that's something that we talked about with her, promising me that she will work on improving all of this, especially with eating. Because of a past traumatic experience, she has a bad relationship with food, only having 1 meal a day on average, and sometimes forgetting to eat as a whole if I don't remind her. To add on, usually when she eats, her stomach starts hurting even if she had lots of water beforehand. We promised each other that we would work on growing as people and generally improving step by step, and although there were some improvements in all these things related to her ADHD, I just didn't see as much improvement as I hoped in the last 3 years, wondering how long would I have to wait to see more improvement and whether it would even improve in general? I don't know if I'm being selfish or irrational in this, but I'm not sure if it's fair to wait another 3 years for more small improvements, and I don't know if it'll start to get more mentally taxing on me to remind her about her tasks or worry about her doing them. Sometimes it has a mental effect on me and makes me feel like her parent or caretaker. To finish off, she has moments every 2-3 months when she gets really anxious and overstimulated, and at first, I didn't know how to help her handle it. I've adjusted over time and it has been easier because I care about her a lot and I always want her to feel okay, but it left me wondering how much more of these moments I could put up with before it has a very negative mental effect on me.

2. Another important aspect has to do with my family. I'm very close with my family and I feel comfortable having conversations with them about anything, and because of what I have with them, which I am so grateful for, family is something I value a lot. Unfortunately, I only recently found out that my parents never approved of my relationship to begin with, and they admit that they should have told me about this way sooner. The main reason for this, of course, has to do with her ADHD and the interactions that she had with my family in the last couple years, that she wouldn't make eye contact, lose focus quickly, etc., all things having to do with ADHD. They do think she is nice and caring too, and they've always been polite with my gf and vice versa, but the ADHD part has been a problem with them for a while. My parents said they will fully support me no matter what I do, but essentially, they will not approve of her as my girlfriend and most likely never accept her as family, which is a goal of mine that I haven't fully considered for a while. Hearing that now definitely hurts a lot, and again, I value my family's opinions because they are important in my life. In my ideal relationship, I would want my partner to get along with my family, feel fully accepted, and later down the line have her feel like she is a part of the family. When I was picturing the future that she and I would have, I just think it would be really unfair to have her subject all this, knowing that my parents don't fully approve of her. To add on, she doesn't always get along with her parents either, sometimes acting a bit rebellious, and her brother is anti-social, has temper issues, and always asks for money, which strains their family, and I know that would also be a problem if our two families mixed and it would not be ideal.

Given everything, I still love her and I really care about her, but I really think she deserves much better from someone else who can appreciate every single thing about her with a family that will fully accept her. With her coming from a toxic 4 year relationship before me, she was convinced I was "the one" because I treated her well like how anyone in a mutual relationship should treat each other, but I don't think I can be that person for her, though I do think she truly deserves all the best.

I am taking time to think about everything again, and I will go to her house on Friday to have a sit down conversation about all this. She deserves to know the truth and I want to be honest but gentle about everything. I know how much it will hurt when the conversation comes around and it will be absolutely heartbreaking, but how do I approach this conversation without it getting hostile and keeping it understanding? Is there anything specific I need to say other than be honest and compassionate with her throughout the talk?

Happy to clarify anything or answer questions, but any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for your help at this time.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now, since the summer before we started college. We have a medium-distance relationship, since we go to different universities that are 2.5 hours away from each other. We love each other and we communicate our feelings well, know how to handle/resolve any arguments or fights if they ever come up, and overall, the relationship has been going pretty great. We are very supportive of each other's goals and we push each other to grow as people. My family and I also have a great relationship; we all get along very well, are also quite supportive of each other, and I've always had a really good relationship with my parents since I can comfortably text them about anything that's going on in my life.

For context, my girlfriend has ADHD which hasn't really affected our relationship much, and she lives with her parents & brother at home. Her relationship with her family is on and off; there are moments when she can get along with her family just fine and some moments when her mom or dad start arguing with her and vice versa, and then they don't get along for a day or two. Also, her older brother is pretty anti-social and has temper issues, and always asks her parents for money, which strains the entire family.

I live in an apartment close to my university, and today I visited my parents, who live a few hours away from me, for Mother's Day weekend. Earlier today, my dad took me out to dinner because he had "something to talk about." He started off asking me about what my plans are after graduation, any jobs/internships, etc. And then he got to the main point, saying that he and my mom are very worried for me because of my relationship.

There are multiple reasons my dad mentioned. First, they don't like her energy and her mannerisms because of her ADHD (my parents don't know she actually has ADHD, but my mom already suspects she has symptoms). Second, because of my girlfriend's ADHD, she is worried about how our kids would turn out, considering they could inherit her ADHD and that they would be mixed too (I'm Japanese, she's Indian), so they're questioning how our potential kids would be like given all of the above, which is crazy. Finally, they are confident, my mom especially, that I could find someone better with no "problems" in the family and with whom I can imagine a future with. That one was quite upsetting because I've already imagined a future with her, considering I think it's normal for couples to imagine a future together, so I was able to imagine a great one where we live together, have kids, etc.

What hurts the most though, is that my parents never really approved of her from the beginning and they had to tell me this now, after 3 years of dating, because they didn't want to "interfere with me and my relationship." My dad clarified that regardless of what happens, even if we decide to get married tomorrow, that they would support me regardless, even if they don't agree with all of my choices. I'm not sure how to feel about that and if he truly meant that, considering that my parents can be pretty opinionated about everything. I do care about what they think though because my family and I have always had a great relationship. I care about my girlfriend a lot as well because we've had a smooth, loving relationship for the last 3 years and I feel happy dating her. As great as I thought things were going in my life, now I'm at a stalemate.

Do I tell my girlfriend about this and if so, how do I go about telling her? I don't want to go no/low-contact my family yet either because I value my relationship with them and I don't want to cut my parents off or just ruin anything. I just don't know what to say to either party and how to handle this.

Happy to answer any questions or clarify details. Thank you all for your help at this time.

TL;DR I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years, and was told today that my parents don't approve of her and are worried about my future. I have a great relationship with both my family and girlfriend, and don't want to ruin either.