Am I in the wrong? Mother's Day drama
I have long suspected my mom of being a narcissist, but me and my siblings have always brushed it off as "she's just being herself." While we were never physically abused growing up, we were all constantly screamed at for grades, sports, or anything that didn't live up to her expectations. Those screaming fits could go on for 15+ minutes at times. We were always walking on eggshells around her. I can barely even remember most details of my childhood, likely due to repressed memories.
Last May, my wife (let's call her G) gave birth to our twins after struggling with infertility for a couple years. This year G wanted to spend Mother's Day as a family, especially since we're moving next month and have been running around packing up the house to get it ready for sale/inspections. I knew that my mom would never take that well and would try to guilt us for it. Even if she didn't say much now, she would use it in the future against us (has a history of doing this).
I am diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, and Anxiety, so I really struggle with managing relationships, especially with my parents. I kept putting off telling her we couldn't come on Mother's Day and told her multiple times that we would let her know once we knew what the plans were for the day. I know I waited too long, but this is her response to me 8 wishing her a happy mother's day and asking if we could see her later in the week or next weekend so we could have a family day at home (this was sent to me 8 hours later):
NM: "I understand you want to spend Mother’s Day alone this year. However I am still very disappointed with you. Not because of today but because of the way you handled it. You tell me on Mother’s Day morning, 2 hours before we invited you for lunch! I invited everyone a week ago and NO response from you. You could have planned something for Friday or Saturday before or after the party - even for just an hour. This is just another example of me feeling hurt. We could have arranged something earlier - but you waited until this morning and ruined my Mother’s Day. You could have called or sent flowers or anything. Every holiday we have to beg you to come over. You never plan or respond promptly - we’re always a last minute thought. I’m just tired. The girls and dad are with me - I’ve had a wonderful Mother’s Day. Thanks."
As a note, my sisters told me she was in a perfect mood the whole time they were there and nothing appeared off. She only commented that she wishes I told her sooner, which is fair. Though the usual "mom is always being mom" was mentioned by one of my sisters. I have dealt with her guilting me all the time and with every holiday. Splitting a holiday to her is treated as if we don't care or we never see them (which by the way, we visit multiple times a month despite us having to pack up our twins and two dogs and drive 20 minutes away rather than them come to us). Below was my response to her and I tried calling before sending it, but my call was denied:
"I’m glad you had a good day with Dad and the girls, but I need to address your message.
When you reached out last week, it was a stated time (12:00) rather than an invitation that considered our availability. Since this was G's first Mother's Day, my priority was ensuring we celebrated it the way she needed.
Regarding the timing of my response, my delay in giving you a definitive answer earlier in the week was primarily because I knew it would result in a message exactly like the one you just sent. It feels like anytime we cannot perfectly accommodate you, we are punished and guilt-tripped for it. I also need to point out the double standard here. When we invited you to the twins' first pictures with Santa - a [University alumni] event that we had to formally RSVP for each person- you canceled on us that morning, two hours beforehand. You also didn't proactively tell us; we were only told because I reached out to confirm a meeting location.
The claim that you have to "beg" us to visit is simply not true. I have a holiday tracker showing we spend at least as much time with you as with G's family; the difference is often their flexibility versus the set times we are given. Outside of holidays it's not even close. We have also tried hosting you here at times, but those visits are usually cut short, if they are accepted at all.
Between raising one-year-old twins, working full-time during our busiest seasons, and preparing to move, we are beyond exhausted. We had a birthday party yesterday and spent Friday cleaning up and reorganizing after the inspections. We are running on empty.
Again, my delay with a definitive answer was primarily because I wanted to avoid the exact guilt-trip I am receiving now. After everything she went through to become a mother, and the hard work of this first year, G has every right to decide how she spends this day without either of us being made to feel guilty for it. And I will no longer tolerate my integrity being questioned when my intentions are pure.
I love you and appreciate everything you have done for me. I have spent over three hours now trying to put my thoughts into words because of how much I care. I have never been good at speaking my thoughts, or discussing my feelings, or any sort of confrontation. I am sorry for not giving a definitive answer earlier. I will do my best to be better about that in the future. If you would still like to celebrate this week or next weekend, we would be happy to. Happy Mother's Day, we love you.
I just tried calling, but the call was denied. I can call again if you are available."
She didn't respond until this morning and said to call her tonight. Again, not even asking, not apologizing for anything, just telling me to call her tonight. She often tries calling rather than texting because then there's no paper trail. When I point out something she's said before, she'll claim she never said that, or she'll never tell me something and then be annoyed because "she definitely told me."
Cherry on top was five minutes after telling me to call her tonight, she accidentally texted me "And we punish him." So she's texting somebody about me and I doubt it's my dad, so already she's spreading stuff around the family or with her friends. After seeing that, I sent my sisters the message my mom sent along with my response so they have the whole picture, just in case she tries twisting my words.
I really feel like I need someone on the outside to look at this situation and tell me if I'm in the wrong. I am just sick of being treated like I'm a horrible person by her when I only ever try to make everyone happy. And does anyone have any advice on how to handle that phone call tonight? I already know she's going to really play up being the victim and is going to throw out the classic "I guess I'm just a terrible mother," like she's done before, and I want to be prepared for all of that.