Am I autistic? (long post)
Hi so I am French, 25 years old male, and I just got diagnosed with ADHD combined type a few weeks ago (although I am way closer to inattentive but I fidget a lot), but in truth I've been wondering if I'm autistic for a while simply because I am quite terrible at socializing and I am extremely logical. Here are my "symptoms" below as well as things that do not apply to me. This is quite long but I just needed to write this out somewhere.
Social:
-I really struggle with asking back "how about you?" whenever someone asks me a question, my first instinct is to just answer the question and then it's too late to ask because it would be awkward at that point
-I am never sure what to say in conversations with most people, I really struggle to get out of the small talk phase
-I cannot relate to most people at all because they have "normal" interests and I spent my life basically online
-I am extremely silent in group situations
-At work whenever I speak/express an opinion in front of the group everyone goes silent or ignores me
-Even on Discord servers or group chats people almost always go silent whenever I send a message
-I dislike emotional closeness with people, I just wanna have fun playing games or talking about cool stuff or laughing with them, not much more
-I dislike eye contact and basically never do it
-I was told to do more eye contact in middle school so I started staring people down, my music teacher pointed it out in front of the class and made fun of me and ever since then I just gave up
-In middle school I was often called a robot because of the way I talked and walked and people asked me to repeat things because they thought it was funny
-In middle and high school, the entire class was very often laughing at what I did and I never understood why they were laughing, I had to like calculate in my head to figure out if I possibly did a social mistake and even after I had hypotheses, I wasn't sure at all if they were correct
However:
-I am not literal at all but I do like it more when people say what they wanna say in a straightforward way
-I can understand sarcasm and jokes perfectly
-I rarely script, I like spontaneity
-I know when people are bored, or expressing a positive/negative emotion by reading their face and body language and speech (but naturally, not in a calculated way)
-I know some of my behaviors are rude or make people uncomfortable like not talking, I am just unsure how not to do them
-Once a conversation actually gets out of small talk I actually talk quite a lot... Too much actually and I completely overtake conversations
Life history of social stuff (TW: heavy at times and boring):
-I have had social anxiety since I was 4 years old, I was already scared of rejection so I just stayed alone and watched others or zoned out
-Even people I called my friends at school didn't wanna be seen with me and had their own friend groups instead
-In kindergarten I had no real friends if we exclude those above.
-My first 3 years of primary school I had one single friend, we only talked about video games. At some point he started hanging out with other more social people and I was too scared to join so I just watched him from afar for a while. I stayed alone for the rest of primary school, reading thick fantasy books, until my last year where I made friends with another rejected kid who really liked Star Wars
-Paradoxically I talked a lot to the person next to me during class just to relieve the boredom but it mostly didn't lead to any friendship and more to people telling me I was too loud or annoying
-In middle school I got really scared I'd get bullied because I'm weak, frail, bad at socializing, unable to argue when I get angry cause I start crying, and generally being alone makes you an easy target. I could pick up on the hostile vibes right away so I stopped reading books at school and clung to the first person I sat next to in class all the time. That person was quite normal so we had little in common and our conversations died out very quickly. Next year he moved away and I clung to someone else, that person didn't like me though and was always trying to avoid me. I had some very embarassing moments because I was literally following him everywhere he went even in social groups. He was even the one who mocked me the most in front of others so I didn't like him too much I was just scared of staying alone.
-My last 2 years of middle school I stayed alone and didn't talk to anyone. I often acted busy so I opened my locker a lot which made people think I was taking drugs in school. I also stayed in forbidden places where noone could see me quite a lot and when I heard someone coming I either hid or started walking as well as if I was just busy and passing through.
-My social isolation and ineptitude at that point took a huge blow on my self esteem, so I became depressed for like a year but thankfully it suddenly went away one day.
-I managed to keep one of the "friends" who avoided me in primary school but went to a different middle school, we sometimes went skating together in isolated places or we played video games, my other friendships fizzled out unfortunately and this one broke off a few years later cause I was stupid and gave awful advice but that's not a story I wanna delve into
-My first year of high school we were finally allowed to have phones so I just spent the first year listening to music during pauses
-I chose engineering specialty so I ended up in a class with a lot of nerds like me in second year, the ones in my class the previous year told me I was strangely approachable and that I barely even talked the year before. I hadn't noticed that myself. I got along with some people there but mostly I was still not quite accepted within the group of friends and they didn't invite me for most activities. We just stopped talking after high school.
-I went to a boarding school in my first year of university, made one good friend there and we often played games together in the break room on our laptops. Other people seemed to dislike me though for some reason
-For the next 3 years of studies I lived alone and made no friends. I felt isolated and classes were too hard so I stopped going to uni and just lied to my parents that it was too difficult for me, while I was playing games all day.
-I went to a technical school next which gave me the scaffolding I needed to succeed. I made my best friend yet there who is extremely likely to be ADHD and autistic and believes so himself too but undiagnosed yet
-I did a master's degree next and didn't manage to make a single friend there for two years
-Did a few internships among all this and was mostly the outcast, some even made fun of me for being too silent or not laughing to their bad jokes
-Never went to a party of my life generally cause I'm too socially anxious/awkward but I don't think I'd stay for long anyways. People have never invited me personally anyways before and I don't drink so yeah. Same for bars or outings generally.
Stimming:
-I pace a lot when I have to wait or when I have nothing to do
-I spin my upper body left and right when I have to stand still
-I draw stars or shapes with my index
-I snap my fingers a lot when I'm alone
-Very often I'm tapping a rhythm or swaying to a music in my head (or headphones)
-I like to spin cables or strings, generally in front of my eyes but not always
-I tense my muscles, move my feet, leg bounce...
-I pick at my lip a lot and also pinch my neck especially when focused
-I whistle and sing a lot idk if that counts but I know it bothered my family
-I have a lot of other random movements, whatever feels right at the time
However:
-No hand flapping nor very stereotypical stims
-Not intense nor does it usually last very long but it is mostly unintentional or automatic
-A lot of it could be ADHD fidgeting
Insistence on sameness:
-I set rules and never break them even if illogical or bothering me. It could be normal things like never drinking alcohol, never taking drugs... But it could also be never eating one food for the rest of my life, completely refusing to talk to a family member after a mild argument for months, or deciding I have to beat a video game boss with little to no gear and just quitting the game if I can't do it after hundreds of attempts instead of just getting gear or whatever. If I try to break the rule I really struggle mentally. The rule isn't even something I deeply believe in generally too.
However:
-I hate routines and I don't want one, I wanna feel free. I also struggle with necessary routines because of ADHD obviously
-I can handle change easily
-It does bothers me a little if people move my stuff but not that bad
-I hate eating the same food too often, it loses all taste very quickly
-I don't feel much of a need for order, I like sorting stuff when I play video games but otherwise my room is a mess, my handwriting is a mess, my clothes are on the ground, I don't clean much...
-I don't mind taking a different route to work
-Being interrupted can stress me out or confuse me a little but it's very easy to handle and goes away quickly
-Same for if a place changes its layout although I will heavily wonder if I'm in the right place until I see an anchor like a person I know even if I know it should be there
-I'm generally quite flexible and easy to work with although I do have strong morals
Specific interests:
-I have loved all kinds of video games since I was 3 years old and they have been constantly on my mind most of my life
-I read a lot of fantasy books in primary school until high school, pretty much my entire free time was spent doing this except video games
-In high school I got really into anime, manga, and japanese things in general and I'm still super into it
-I used to sing a lot and researched the right technique quite a bit (forgot it mostly though by now)
-I really like science and maths, in general, I'm constantly watching videos or googling stuff about it. Lately really into psychology and neuroscience.
-I also had a few years where I watched videos and theorized about the best political/economical systems as well as the best ways to do urban design.
-I sometimes get so into a game it basically becomes my entire life for a while
However:
-My interests are not restricted to those,, I have a lot of things I did for a few months or weeks and gave up on but this is probably the ADHD part causing this
Sensory:
-I can't handle very loud sounds compared to people around me, especially if unexpected. I have a much stronger reaction and can even fall to the ground sometimes if a youtube video makes a sudden loud noise. I get kinda stunned when I hear metal hitting metal especially.
-I get stressed out internally when I hear a loid motorcycle approaching and often try to cover my ears if it gets too loud (if I don't cover my ears it's very loud but fine I feel like, I just don't like it)
-I used to be scared of the sound of the toilet flushing at my parents' house and always ran away after pressing it
-I hate jumpscares
-Having balloons around me like at a party always makes me stressed out that one will pop and I'm hypervigilant when someone approaches one
-Cars honking next to me always make me jump or gasp but it doesn't seem to bother other pedestrians
-Traffic gives me low grade stress because of the noise (and also cause I gotta cross the road)
-I'm scared of dogs cause they just bark so loud and suddenly that it freaks me out
-(TW: misophonia) I know it's common but I absolutely hate nails on chalkboards, forks scraping plates, polysterene, and also some jackets. I have other common triggers otherwise but it's not a big deal for me everyday, hasn't happened in months.
-People screaming especially extremely loud and in the same room makes me irrationally angry internally.
-Sunlight is harder for me to handle than for most people, it's so bright I have to cover my eyes with my arm or look at the ground
-The heat from the sun makes me tired and others around me say they are fine
-I hate getting out of bed in the winter because of the transition from hot to cold nor getting out of the shower (maybe thats normal?)
-I also just can't take cold showers at all nor enter cold pools and it doesn't seem to be a problem for others around me for some reason
-I often feel hot when others don't and the opposite is true, I often feel cold when others don't
-I'm almost certain I feel pain much more strongly than other people. Just hitting my arm lightly on a desk is torture for like 5-10 seconds I swear. People poking me can send me into a rage as well
-Tickling is pretty painful to me and I hate it
-My brother used to bother me with an electric racket used to kill mosquitoes and it hurt like hell to me but not to him so he thought I was overreacting
-I don't like light touch nor touch in general and I'm very touch avoidant but it's not like I can't handle it at all
-I don't like hugs but idk I don't like emotional stuff generally, still from a sensory perspective it's uncomfortable
-I don't like short sleeves nor shorts cause exposed arms/legs can touch plants and stuff and I don't like that, can also feel a little itchy just having them exposed to the air for some reason. I can handle it but it is a strong preference. Even in hot weather I wear long sleeves.
-I often feel I have a bug on my skin or get a random itch when there's nothing there, maybe that's normal though. If there is one I usually spot it, except mosquitoes idk how they do this these little shits
-I don't like touching animals at all and even less petting them
-I hate washing the dishes because of the feeling of grease on my hands and I really need the temperature of the water to be exactly what I want but often where I lived the water heater didn't work so it was way too cold and I avoided it. I started used gloves and it's much better.
-I am a picky eater. Taste, smell, texture are the cause generally but also arbitrary rules I set that I won't eat a food and never break.
-I hate when foods mix
-I generally don't like cold food especially cooked meat that has cooled down or cold sandwiches. It's fine if it's fruits or vegetables meant to be eaten cold.
-I hate fruit salads the mix of taste is hard to handle even if I like each individually
-Generally I just can't eat at people's house unless I tell them exactly what I can and can't eat (which is very difficult the list is super long and unintuitive), so whenever my parents get invited somewhere I never go. If I do go it always gets awkward and I barely eat anything.
-I have very few foods I can eat at restaurants and fast foods, and it makes me skip a lot of meals, along with other factors like my executive dysfunction (makes cooking/groceries much harder) and stinginess (which imo is a need to optimize and minimize my expenses).
-I had to start using FFP2 masks to clean my apartment cause it just smells so fucking bad in some places especially my fridge. It made it 10 times easier, same for washing old super dirty dishes and stuff, the mask made it much more handlable.
However:
-I don't mind background noise too much like cafeterias, wouldn't stay there for longer than needed but it's fine to me. If I had to choose between a place like that and a quieter one for the exact same purpose I would always choose the quieter one but I think that's everyone
-I never experienced the problem many have with store overhead lights and generally interior lights are fine to me unless super bright, I wouldn't stare at them directly but yeah not a problem generally
-I don't mind seams in my socks and can just ignore them
-I don't mind tags although I used to as a child
-I don't struggle with clothes texture although of course I have some textures I prefer.
-I know some people don't get dizzy while spinning but I do
-I can handle perfume stores without a sweat even though I don't like most perfume smells
-I never had a meltdown or shutdown purely because of sensory input
Meltdowns/Shutdowns:
-Not sure if it was those but I have memories of potential meltdowns that only happened in middle school (most stressful times of my life probably).
-5 times I had aggressive outbursts where I basically got consumed by anger and lost all reason, I started scratching, biting, pulling hair, hitting... and generally had to be restrained. It didn't last for very long, like 30 seconds to a minute at most. Trigger was generally people bothering me by poking me while I was very focused on a video game.
-About 10 times I had melancholic crying breakdowns, most of them were just random when I came back from school tired and felt sad about my life. Generally I bit myself and pushed my nails into my skin during those and just needed pain to ground myself. During these I isolated myself in the dark and went to bed when it ended.
-Around 15 times I had angry crying breakdowns after my father took away my laptop, it was always in private so not exactly a tantrum but kinda. The breakdowns looked like the ones described above with pain to ground myself but also intense anger and a need to destroy stuff around me or hit a wall or whatever (which I could hold back cause I was scared of the pain)
-Twice in my life, once with my driving instructor and once with my clarinet teacher, both during the peak of summer heat, I started crying after the heat and the yelling got too much for me. Doesn't quite align with autistic meltdowns but idk maybe more of an ADHD thing.
However:
-Never had one before that period nor after, been 10 years since my last one
-Never had a shutdown or anything that looked like that.
What do you think? Does this align with autism or can it be explained with ADHD + social anxiety + mild sensory sensitivities and a logical mind? Some things seem suspicious to me but I really don't relate to like any autistic creators online nor the people who post on reddit so I'm unsure honestly