Emotional damage after BPD relationship
As the title says, I am reeling emotionally after being with a suspected BPD ex with narcissistic traits on top of a host of other conditions she told me she had (I will not disclose them out of privacy and respect through compassion).
Like others on the board comment on, it started out like a dream, i thought id met the love of my life, my best friend and someone i wanted it all with.
As someone who suffered immense bullying when i was younger and was bullied to within an inch of my life between the ages of 12-17 (daily people at school would tell me to go and kill myself). I was obviously susceptible to this kind of dynamic. I had told her things that happened in my past, things barely anyone knew about and really opened up to her. Obviously the validation and praise was amazing, we had an incredible sex life; even towards the end of the relationship we were still going strong there.
I found looking back even in the love bombing stage there were signs that she was wearing a mask but I was naive and put it down to nerves (my fault). However, the criticisms started, one day I was the love of her life, the next “I was a great boyfriend, but she needed a husband who could do everything for her”…. This one really stung deep as because of severe bullying in my formative years I grew up carrying the weight of not being worthy / good enough as I am.
The put downs started more at the same time as her wanting to progress timelines - something I was uncomfortable with and I’m proud i didnt budge on. I took us on expensive trips but apparently that wasnt enough and she constantly expected more.
She said previously she’d never been treated well and as someone whose empathetic and compassionate i wanted to / was able to give her healthy love. She loved it at the start, but suddenly that got taken for granted and by the end of it wasnt even baseline “for any girl”. I loved her so so much and wouldve done anything for her.
However, anytime I had an issue she wouldn’t be able to sit with my feelings, I would always have to backtrack and regulate her emotions and park my feelings and I ended up apologising, therefore nothing got resolved from my side. I grew emotionally exhausted. I physically began getting really ill (I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD from bullying and lived with severe chronic stress for 21 years) I’m now seeing a psychologist.
Symptoms included chronic migraines, horrendous bowels/pain, difficulty sleeping, loss of enjoyment in things I loved and severe brain fog. She didn’t believe in the “brain fog” again shows dismissiveness.
I once again brought up a basic need to be respected and my feelings to be heard / understood. However she didn’t understand and launched into a horrendous character assassination on me. Really really hurtful which preyed on a lot of old wounds which I had told her about previously. I was immensely hurt as she unloaded on me but I never argued back as always, I only tried to reason. Once I realised it was a continuation of attack after attack I just took it. I felt the hopelessness and worthlessness of 12 year old me and I was devastated. I then decided I couldn’t be talked to like that by someone I love anymore and so had the self respect to break up with her even if it broke my heart to do so.
Although I’m still in an immense amount of pain I think of her daily and we are all human and choose what to do with our pain. We can be hurt and victimise it or we can channel it into something useful. I forgive her, but I will never ever forget it. Breaking up with her pushed me to confront my demons of my past and so I’m doing a tonne of self work, it’s proving really painful but it’s the right thing to do.
Sorry, I ended up babbling there. I guess I’m trying to say, we are all human and make mistakes (I for example over gave, was a people pleaser, and wanted to be loved) that in itself enabled the dynamic along with letting things slide for wanting to keep the peace. It’s really important we hold ourselves accountable in that dynamic and anything we do so we can move forward. Finally, I don’t believe BPDs are monsters (consciously)… others may disagree but I choose to believe they are flawed like us and just can’t take accountability. It explains the behaviour but absolutely doesn’t justify it and you can’t help people who won’t help themselves.
Thanks for listening (I struggle to open up but I’m learning) and wanted to share my story and get insight / support from this community.
Any messages would be appreciated. I am proud of myself for finding the strength to leave and am proud of all of you for being you!