Im not sure how I ended up this way, and its ruining me. How do I improve?
Okay so I'll begin my letting you know a little about myself, as I believe it will paint a clearer picture for you all.
I grew up in a small town with a population of about 1,000 people and went to the local public high-school in my hometown. I was always described as shy and to myself, smart some would say, I'd beg to differ but if one thing was for certain is that I, even from a young age, never really connected with anyone since little, so it was fair to say that I always felt isolated and left out more often than not. I remember telling my mom one day when I was in 6th grade that I felt "different" and I didn't know why. Kids my age used to pick on me and call me names. My grades were never stellar and in my sports I was never the all-star kid, and I honestly don't think I made more than two friends my whole 14 years attending that school. Harley hung out with anyone outside of school/sports, never was invited to anything, I didn't have social media. Never picked up any hobbies or talked to girls, all I did for most of my elemetary-middle school and even high-school years was my schoolwork with my shitty teachers who were just there from another nearby state collecting another check on top of theor retirement, and my sports, the only thing keeping me somewhat sane.
Anyway, this is all to get at that as far back as I can remember, sometime around the 3rd or 5th grade, I can recall specific moments when I used to be taking a shower or doing something equally mundane, saying to myself, "I can't wait to go into my bed so that I can "think", a.k.a. daydream about saving my crush from a fire or something entirely random, and so I did. I would finish up.dp8ng whatever then rush to my bed, close the lights and shut my eyes and begin to daydream until I feel asleep.
Back then I was just a kid and it was whatever but little did I know that 12+ years later the severity of my daydreams in terms of frequency has only gotten worse. For instance, from summer 23' throguh fall 25' I worked this mundane factory job near my hometown, the work was unbelievably repetitive and my position was one of the more difficult ones. We weren't really allowed to talk to anyone the entire shift, partly because the belts never stopped moving to allow us to do so, and partly because of the constant machinery noise going about all around us all day and on top of that we all wore industrial earplugs, so unless you wanted to be yelling all day you were just sort of left to your own thoughts amd this is were I realized that I might have a real internal problem. I can't stop talking to myself or daydreaming or thinking. This was apparent to me a couple years before, but never to this degree. I would spend the entire 8 hour shift in a constant loop of thoughts that I never seemed to get tired of, I phrase I heard would be on repeat in my mind for months on end, a certain gesture that a person made towards me would indent itself into my memory, trying to undertand their intentions, childhood traumas on repeat and the horrible thoughts of what I would do to that person if they ever hurt me or someone I knew again, the thoughts about death or killing things, the existential weight of having to exist and be, without any reason to any of it, on and on everyday. Sometimes I wluld work a double shift for 16+ hours (more money being my motive) and the whole 16+ hkurs would be me lost in a daydreams only to come home and do it some more or distract myself with bullshit internet content until I feel asleep dreaming only to wake up and repeat the whole process again and again.
Its also worth noting that I grew up in a verbally/emotionally/physically abusive household at the hands of one of the very few people who I thought we're supposed to protecect me and among the few whom I could trust but that wasn't the case, I was constantly scared that something bad was going to happen so I always tried to make myself as small as possible and to just always be quiet and listen. Now im wondering if all those things I went through somehow made me "stupid"? I honestly don't know, and I know I'm just sort of venting right now but as I continue to grow older and reflect on my life the more I relaise that I didn't really have a good childhood and now im wondering if that's part of the reason for why I am the way I am, and what can I do to help myself? Im lost and confused so often and this daydreaming isnt helping me solve anything, now its gotten to the point we're I'll wake up in the morning and instead of getting up or even using my phone I'll literally begin to intensively daydream for 4+ hkurs before I decide to get up and its starting to concern me. Im in college now, working at the factory was my 2 year break from. The first time I tried college, but knwo that Im back it seems to have gotten worse. Im still isolated, despite better living conditions amd connections seem impossible. I have a new job, I still have money saved up from my old work, I have a car and access to food and opportunity, but I just still feel so miserable le and daydreaming I think is just a coping mechanism. A coping mechanism for what? I don't know. Is it even that? I don't know.
Anyway, TL;DR: Daydreaming is wrecking my life! What are some real ways that I can improve this disease and why do I feel so stupid and slow?
Sorry if im all over the place, Im in my bed writing this out of frustration. This is my first time in this sub, and its honestly somewhat refreshing to read that others struggle with some of the same issues as I. Maybe Im insane, but its good to know Im not alone.
Any answers welcome! Big love as always!