Seeking advice 3 years after D-day
It's been three years since D-day.
We've both done so much work and grown so much as individuals and as a couple.
Frankly, our relationship is incredible. I can't believe I'm saying that because three years ago, I felt like my whole world was falling apart.
A long story short, she had a one-night stand with a guy, and was so terrified to tell me that she hid it for a year. We had been going through a lot, both of us were working through childhood trauma, never mind a crazy pandemic that messed up both our incomes. We were also each other's firsts, you know, the whole "childhood sweethearts" thing. I mention this because it's important context. We were both naive and immature as heck because we got married so young.
I had been suspecting that something was off for months. The more she denied it, the more suspicious I became. Eventually, she finally sat me down and confessed that she had cheated on me physically, once and only once, but that there had been some sexting and nudes sent to this guy. It had been a horrible experience for her, and afterwards she was consumed with guilt and shame. I had been picking all this up for months while she battled with herself to tell me the truth.
When she finally sat me down and told me what she had done... I'll never forget that moment, that feeling... I was crushed. I felt as though I'd fallen off the edge of a cliff and was plummeting down, down, down.
I asked her for all the details, to not leave anything out, and to give me the whole truth. She did. The more she spoke, the more I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Eventually, I got up, stepped away from her with my hands outstretched in a "don't come near me" kind of way, and quite literally ran out of the front door. Thank goodness we live on a farm, because looking back, I realise the roaring in my head was actually me screaming like a gutted animal. I ended up collapsed to my knees in a field, head in my hands, sobbing like a baby.
It has taken years, lots of work on ourselves, and lots of energy dedicated to our relationship to get here. In the initial months after finding out, I was wracked with grief and mistrust. There were so many nightmares, and I won't lie, there were moments I felt so much anger that I wanted to end the relationship, despite all the progress we had made and all the ways that she was proving to me that she would never lie or betray my trust again.
She has spent years rebuilding my trust, and our relationship is better than anything I could have dreamed of for myself. Yet, after three years, I still find myself occasionally triggered, and then I spiral... wondering if she's still lying to me, if I am being a naive idiot, and feeling terrified of getting my heart broken.
I guess, in the most long-winded manner possible, I'm asking for advice on how to deal with those moments, or for some perspective from those who have also experienced betrayal and have walked the path of reconciliation. Has the fear ever left? Or is this something that I will have to make peace with?