u/A1N2N3I4E5

My boyfriend (29M) and I (27F) have been together for over 4 years. Since the beginning of our relationship, I’ve gone on his family vacations every summer. His mom plans everything about a year in advance and pays for the trips, which I’ve always appreciated. Usually it’s my boyfriend, his mom, his sister, and me.

At first I genuinely enjoyed going, but over time it’s started to feel stressful instead of relaxing. I work a corporate job now and have limited PTO, and these trips take an entire week of it every year.

My family also does a short summer trip every year (usually just Sun–Tues), and even though I always invite him, he’s never come because he says he doesn’t have the PTO available.

But he does use PTO for other things. This summer he’s taking a two-week road trip with his friends, and he also encouraged me to fly out and join for part of it. Between that trip and my own family trip, I’m already using 6 PTO days in June alone.

If I also go on his family’s weeklong vacation in July, I’ll basically have no PTO left for the rest of the year. That means no flexibility for upcoming weddings (we have a few that fall on Fridays) time off during holidays, future trips with my friends, etc.

Another part of this is that these family vacations don’t really feel like vacations to me anymore. His mom plans every activity, and we spend pretty much all day together as a group. We rarely get alone time as a couple. Last year I suggested we break away for a few hours to do our own thing, and my boyfriend got upset because he said he felt guilty leaving his family.

One evening on that trip I stayed in the hotel room for a couple hours to decompress and watch TV because I felt socially drained. After we got home, he told me he was upset that I did that, and that my “attitude ruined the trip.”

At the same time, he’s resistant to taking trips as a couple. Last year I convinced him to do a short 3-day trip with me, but he complained for weeks beforehand about using PTO. When I’ve suggested skipping one of the family vacations so we could travel together instead, he gets defensive.

The thing that really pushed me over the edge is that recently we mentioned wanting to take a trip to Mexico together, and his mom commented that we’re “not allowed” to go without her. Now she’s already talking about planning a Mexico family trip for next year.

At this point I feel like I have very little autonomy over my own time off. I want to be able to travel with friends, take trips as a couple, visit my own family, or simply save PTO for later in the year without automatically dedicating a week every summer to his family vacation. Each year, he doesn’t ask me if I’m interested in going, it’s just assumed that I’m going.

I’m seriously considering telling them now that I won’t be attending this year’s trip since it’s still months away, but I know my boyfriend will be upset. I’ve been dreading even asking about it, because I have a feeling that it will blow up into a more serious argument. Whenever I’ve tried to excuse myself from plans he’s invited me to in the past, he has a very intense reaction.

How do I approach this conversation without it turning into a huge fight? Am I being unreasonable for wanting more control over how I spend my PTO?

TL;DR: My boyfriend expects me to use a week of my limited PTO every year on his family vacations, but refuses to use his own PTO for trips with me or my family. He’ll take time off for friends’ trips, but gets upset when I suggest skipping his family vacation or doing our own thing as a couple. I’m feeling resentful and overwhelmed, especially because his mom seems to assume she’ll always be included in our future travel plans. I want more control over my own time off and am considering skipping this year’s trip.