My girlfriend and I (both early 20s) have been together for several months. She is my first love and my first everything. We have communicated well from the start, and I saw a lot of myself in her; we resonate deeply.
However, the relationship began under significant hardship. Her ex was abusive, and it took a lot of effort to finally get him out of her life (despite blocking, confronting and ignoring him). After that, there were issues with other people from her past who were still "roaming around," and we had to remove them as well. Beyond the external drama, she is still navigating the trauma from that past relationship. And I don't know if all that IS still feeding my trust issues...
To provide more context on our backgrounds, she was raised by a single mother after her father was kicked out for cheating. Her family life is quite chaotic. To be honest, I can’t imagine her family meeting mine, with the exception of her mother. In contrast, I grew up in a loving, stable family with an ambitious education and conservative values regarding relationships.
Moreover I worry about her becoming like her mother; while they are different people, that environment is all she grew up with.
Despite these concerns, I love her with all my heart. I’ve given this relationship my all, supporting her through her toughest times and being a constant shoulder to lean on. I’ve also had to grow personally, dealing with my own anxiety, jealousy, and possessiveness. I’ve learned how I attach to others and what my specific needs and love languages are.
I’m honestly just scared that I’m setting myself up for failure. I feel like I’m carrying the weight of her traumas, her messy family dynamics, and several unaligned values.
For example, I don't really believe in opposite-sex friendships because I find them to be rare, and so far, every "friend" she has had has eventually wanted more. I’m very strict about this: if anyone crosses a line or shows intent, they need to be removed from our circle immediately (which she agrees with).
But this has been a major sticking point regarding her closest friend. He was there for her during her last breakup but developed feelings for her and was visibly disapointed and hurt when she and I started dating. Timed passed before they started talking again, and I was pretty against that, even though he is supposedly in a relationship now. She refuses to completely cut ties because they were friends before she met me and was someone who was there for her, but still, he admitted weeks ago that he hoped to start dating her back then. Setting boundaries has been difficult, and I don’t want to fight indefinitely over values that are non-negotiable to me.
I hate it but things like this make me detach slowly from her. I really hate it, because I don't want to be in a relationship in which I can't love fully and deeply.
I have the confidence to say I could make almost any relationship work, but I have a nagging feeling that I’m settling for less than what I originally aimed for. I’ve worked so hard on myself and given so much that I’m terrified I will eventually resent myself for staying in a relationship where I don't feel "enough" or fully compatible. It’s hard to admit this, and I feel like an asshole, but I’m lost.
What is your opinion on my situation ? What are your advice ?
TL;DR: I’m deeply in love but unsure about the future due to misaligned values, family incompatibility, and the struggle of navigating her past traumas. I’m worried I’m settling for a situation that doesn't match my long-term goals.
Thank you for reading all of it