u/9al9a

Ifs triggered some weird things in me and idk what to do.I think I need help here.

I never thought I had trauma.Some things happened when I was a very,very young kid but I never registered them as trauma and buried them deep down into my own subconscious.I started to have lots of psych issues as I got older,starting from 13.Panic attacks, anxiety,always being tense, derealization and dissociation so strong I felt like I was losing my mind,self esteem issues.Got diagnosed with ocd and depression and put under every pill out there and they never yelped.I ditched the pills at like early 17.Im 19 now.I still felt like shit,had fréquent issues with myself and was rlly tired of feeling that way.I wanted to finally be alrigjt.I couldn't afford therapy so i tried self help.I tried grounding and breathing techniques and CBT and they seemed to make me worse lmao.I read randomly about Ifs therapy and forgot abt it for a while but once I was struggling with feelings I couldn't understand and trying to fight them,but then I felt like those feelings rlly reminded me of the worldview and émotions I felt at 15.I started doing IFS therapy on myself by talking to my 15yo self part and DUDE WHAT RHE FUCK IT WORKED.I understood a lot about myself.15 was an age where I went through some pretty bad stuff,and I just always repressed that too,hated myself for it,and shit.So validating that part and talking with it and understanding it was very helpful.I was feeling less anxious,more alright in my body and present.It went like that for a few days but I noticed another anxious part.I called her younger me,,bc I was very anxious as a child.I thought this anxious part was anxious over school and shit,and would try to comfort her and tell her we should just try our best,at first it didn't feel too bad,but then it seemed like the more I tried to soothe that part the more uncomfortable I felt,but I kept pushing it and trying to get her to be less tense and scared.I uh had this weird experience where all of a sudden after pushing her a bit too hard,I felt some sort of fucking flashback to all the feelings, thoughts and sensations I felt during the traumatic experience that happened when I was younger that I pushed the Fuck into my subconscious mind.Thats very weird.I never feel anything when I think about that stuff, usually.I even joked about it a lot,made many edgy jokes with friends.Never thought I had a traumatic response issue,I could watch things that I assume would trigger a traumatized people and not feel much.Apprantly I have been burying this shit under layers and layers of denial and répression.The problem isnt that.I fucking broke something.I feel so weird.Some times i get hit with the full feelings and shit of it, sometimes I feel nothing, sometimes I feel such terrifying derealization idk what to do.Im rlly struggling with sleep,focus,and im rlly scared .I feel like im losing my mind.I dont know who to talk to about this.

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I should have posted this on r/DID as its more active,but im not diagnosed,and i feel like most people there have full blown DID and not P-DID.And im very insecure over my dissociative issues starting from ideological,psychological and religious trauma and 0 actual physical harm.Im looking here.I rlly feel so alone in my experience with questionning if I have a dissociative disorder,and I am on the milder sides symptoms wise which im happy about,but its harder to seek help or find people with a similar experience.So yeah if you have religious trauma, dissociative symptoms,and different parts that arent too fully distinct but are seperate nontheless,talk to me please (if u want lmao).My main symptoms seem to be a dissociative shutdown response where my brain just turns to mush and I cant form coherent thoughts and it fucks up with my life a good bit,and the presence of 2 distinct "alters" or parts that seem to be me at different ages,and the younger one seems to be the one causing the shutdown response and she does not want to cooperate or anything.I think she hates us lmao.Also the more classical things derealization,depersonalization, depression,different and confusing thoughts that seem to be contradictory and not mine,insomnia, sometimes panic attacks but these are not associated with P-DID and are common with other things.I seem to be on the milder side as I have no amnesia,and "switching" happens only under very strong stress.I still am not sure if what I have is P-DID but I have very obviously dissociation issues.I cant afford professional help currently so im jst looking to feel less alone.

I should have posted this on r/DID,but im not diagnosed,and i feel like most people there have full blown DID and not P-DID.And im very insecure over my dissociative issues starting from ideological,psychological and religious trauma and 0 actual physical harm.Im looking here.I rlly feel so alone in my experience with questionning if I have a dissociative disorder,and I am on the milder sides symptoms wise which im happy about,but its harder to seek help or find people with a similar experience.So yeah if you have religious trauma, dissociative symptoms,and different parts that arent too fully distinct but are seperate nontheless,talk to me please (if u want lmao)

I kin random characters I made up when I maladaptative daydream,it helps me a lot and makes me happy,but idk if its considered fiction kin or not