I come from a very large, traditional family where "family honor" and keeping up appearances are everything. My brother recently had his daughter baptized. Because our family is massive (you know, if you invite one uncle, you have to invite all of them), he and his wife decided to keep it very small, just immediate family (brothers/sisters, parents and grandparents and a few close friends).
My father’s side of the family found out via Facebook and the group chat exploded. My aunt led the charge, demanding an "explanation" and basically shaming my brother for not saying something about it and that they had to find out through Facebook. My brother and his wife didn't hide the baptism, because, in their eyes, they weren't doing anything wrong. They were just living their lives.
These are the same relatives who only see my brother or the baby when he invites them, like his recent housewarming, which is now also used as a weapon ("you invited us for the housewarming, which is less important, but not the baptism"). This is the same aunt that didn't even bother to come meet the baby until she was 7 months.
My brother didn't just exclude them, he excluded everyone outside their inner circle, including our mother’s entire side of the family and the family of his wife. My dad’s side seems to think they are the only ones who matter and that they have a "right" to be there that others don't.
When my SIL tried to de-escalate by explaining it was a conscious choice for an intimate ceremony and that they didn't mean to offend anyone, they completely ignored her message.
The entire time they’ve been arguing in the group chat, not one person has asked how the day was or how the baby is doing. So to me it feels like this is 100% about their bruised egos and 0% about the child.
I've had enough. I’m sick of the gossiping, the constant judging and the fact that they always look for faults in others but never at themselves. I told them this toxicity is exactly why the family is falling apart. I’m done with the drama and will only keep contact on my own terms.
In this culture, "staying out of it" or "going low contact" is seen as a huge betrayal of the family bond. I feel a disgust even interacting with them because it feels so forced and fake, but part of me wonders if I’m the asshole for blowing up the group chat and defending my brother so aggressively.