u/90sCat

I’m not talking about absolutely every theory, such as the grandfather paradox, or not seeing any time travelers. But a lot of people believe that if you could go back, you couldn’t change anything. But if we could go into the past, who’s to say that we can’t? It feels like an assumption, and one meant to keep people satisfied over the improbability of its discovery.

The thing is, it’s not completely debunked. And it’s interesting to me that we’re putting rules and assumptions on a phenomena that hasn’t been explored yet?

Apologies if this is all over the place. I miss my soulmate and want to go back and save them someday, and I’m getting bummed out that a lot of people don’t think I could save them if I could go back.

Sorry I’ve been posting on here so much, not usually responding to messages. I still read them and appreciate them, just really going through it.

Some people have suggested that I don’t dismiss the idea of finding love again someday. The thing is, before we got together, they complained that they felt like nobody else put them first, picked them first, etc. I feel like if I ever found somebody else, it would be me picking someone over them. But I wouldn’t say that about anyone else going through the same thing. (I’m also grayro and grayace and don’t need a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled)

I also get scared of just hurting anybody. I know I will always choose my partner over anyone else. This is kind of an out there thing (and you can kinda blame Warrior cats for this) but I’m afraid in the afterlife that I would have to choose. And I wouldn’t choose any theoretical new person over my beloved.

Then I started spiraling about how “there is no marriage in heaven” and it won’t matter and all we’ll do is worship god 24/7 and I’ll love them like a sibling, not as my soulmate, and it scares me so badly. I want to have the wedding we never got to have. I want to own pets with them. I want to be able to have sex. To be able to take it slow and ask if it’s ok if I take off their shirt and touch them. To go on dates. Just do all the things we never got to do because of stupid fucking cancer that cut their life way too short.

One of the only things keeping me tethered is maybe someday backwards time travel will be real and I can go back and save them from ever getting cancer in the first place. I’ve started a time travel journal with the very specific day I want to go back, ways to prove to myself that it’s me, and a note with very specific timed instructions on it, if I’m not able to stay in the past for long. But my friends are getting worried about me. While I don’t agree with ai, in a moment of weakness, I was trying to trick the google ai to tell me I should hold onto hope that I can save them, and it wouldn’t. I’ve looked up so much stuff about it, theoretical experiments, things involving molecules. Plus, the government is hiding so much stuff, and aliens are real so maybe they have it figured out?

Last thing. I also am afraid to love someone else because what if I do fall head over heels for them, and then time travel is invented. Will I even want to go back and save them?

I am aware that I’m not very mentally sound right now. The doctors are going to change my meds to help me feel better but meds don’t magically fix your brain. Some of it has to come from you, and I don’t know if I’m even capable of being able to accept this. I can already foresee a lifetime of complicated grief with my name all over it