AITBF for turning my lunch into a biological hazard to catch a thief
I work in a standard corporate office with about fifty people and one shared kitchen that has become a lawless wasteland. For the last three months, someone has been systematically raiding my lunches. It is not like they take the whole bag either, they just steal the "premium" parts. They will eat the chicken breast out of my salad or take the expensive Greek yogurt and leave the wilted lettuce behind like some kind of twisted insult. I complained to HR and they gave me the usual speech about "community trust" and suggested I label my food. I did that. I put my name in bold red marker on every single item, but it just seemed to act as a quality seal for the thief.
Last week I finally snapped. I am tired of going to my afternoon meetings on an empty stomach because some career parasite thinks my meal prep is a free buffet. I decided to make my "famous" spicy tuna wrap. On the outside it looked like a standard, healthy office lunch. On the inside, I loaded it with a concentrated extract of Carolina Reaper peppers that I ordered online. I am talking about the kind of heat that requires a waiver and a glass of milk just to look at. I even added a little note on the bag that said "Private property of Mark - please do not touch" just so nobody could claim I did not warn them.
Ten minuеtes into the lunch hour, I heard a soul-rending scream coming from the breakroom. I walked in and found one of the senior account managers doubled over the sink, his face the color of a ripe tomato, frantically trying to wash his mouth out with tap water. He was gasping for air and tears were streaming down his face. He looked at me with pure betrayal in his eyes and tried to yell, but he could only make a wheezing sound. I just stood there, finished my coffee, and asked him if he enjoyed the wrap. I told him I like my food "a bit kicky" and maybe he should stick to his own sandwiches if his palate is so sensitive.
Now the office is divided. Half the people think it is the funniest thing that has happened in this gray cubicle hell in years. The other half, mostly the management clique, are saying I "assaulted" a coworker and that my actions were premeditated and cruel. The guy is actually threatening to go to HR about me "poisoning" him, which is rich coming from a guy who has been stealing from me for ninety days straight. My boss told me I should apologize to keep the peace, but I told him I will apologize for my spices when the thief pays me back for three months of stolen groceries.
I do not feel bad about it at all. My lunch has not been touched since the incident and people actually clear a path for me when I walk to the fridge now. I might be a buttface for escalating a food dispute into a chemical incident, but at least I can finally eat my own chicken in peace.
Was I supposed to just keep letting him eat my money because he has a fancy title?