u/80aychdee

There is a lot to unpack here. I’m going to try and explain the entire situation.

In December of 2023, when my son was 5, my brother committed suicide. My son adored his uncle and we were all very close. We bought our home to be in the same neighborhood as his family a few streets down.

Because of my son’s age, along with the fact my brother had a 3 year old daughter, we all as a family (sort of) decided not to tell the kids how my brother died. I was and still am against this. My sister in law however was adamant that if we told my son the truth she would not be bringing my niece around out of fear she would uncover the truth as well. So we are going along with the charade that he “died in an accident” which confused him even more because I had to drive my brother’s car home from the location and my son saw it. So we had to dance around “not a car accident… just an acccident.” It kills me how much this has confused him over the years.

This past year my son was also diagnosed with ADHD. And prescribed medication. It has been going well. He’s a lot more focused at school. But he has had more “teary episodes”. Which isn’t unlike him. He’s always been an emotional kid. Before my brother died. But we have been in constant communication with our pediatrician about this.

Over the past 3 years we have also tried to find him counseling with no luck. Either appointment times don’t jive or they aren’t accepting new patients. We really pushed for grief counseling which we had for a little bit. I think that helped some. And we’ve read books on death and grieving.

Anyway. Smash cut to today, I get a call from school from his counselor. She explained a situation in class where he started punching himself in the face because he was so upset. While talking to his counselor it was revealed he has had thoughts of stabbing hinself with scissors or a knife after we go to sleep. My wife and I spoke to him about this. And he told us that sometimes he wants to die so he can see his uncle (and other family members who have died) again.

We explained that’s not what any of them would want. And how he needs to come to us when he’s having these big emotions. I got yet another list of psychiatrist referrals and will be calling his pediatrician tomorrow when they open to discuss his ADHD meds.

Another aspect of all of this that I hope is not related. My brother and I were both diagnosed as bipolar (he was very sick and undergoing a medication adjustment before passing away). I know this is for a doctor to diagnose and he is very young. But it isn’t something I have ruled out.

Anyway, I’ve come here today for guidance. Advice. Anything. I feel lost. And helpless. I feel like a shit father. My wife feels like a shit mother. We are just trying to do the right thing and it doesn’t feel like we are. I told my wife that if the psychiatrist says we should tell him the truth about my brother then we are going to. Even if it puts a strain on our family dynamic.

Personally I have a planted 29 gallon tank. It’s pretty low tech. I acclimate my fish by floating the bag and then pouring a cup of tank water into the bag for about 15 minutes. Check my parameters regularly. Only do water changes when the nitrates are high. And I know I have a lot to learn and experience

I just got a pit boss pellet smoker that’s WiFi enabled. My uncle was telling me I should smoke a brisket and I was bringing up how you gotta wake up at like 4 in the morning to get that started. He said no, just start it at like 10:00 the night before and let it smoke.

That stresses me out. Like so many things in my mind could go wrong leading to my house burning down. That’s dumb right? Or am I dumb for not doing it?

So I’m from Frederick. Moved to the Baltimore area for about 10 years. And settled back here. I think my favorite part about Baltimore was the Pit Beef sandwich. Chaps, charcoal deli, any road side food truck. So good. And I was thinking the other day about how Frederick could seriously benefit from a quality pit beef establishment.

Other than not having a strip club in the same parking lot like the Chaps in Baltimore. What made it fail here? Location? Lack of interest? Was their quality not as good as their Baltimore locations? I was in Baltimore while chaps was open here, so I never got a chance to check it out myself.