(NSFW/ TW for SI) Title says it all. I made a terrible decision while my girlfriend was 7 months pregnant with our son. I told her the day that it happened or hours after pretty much. I lied about how it happened at first and then came clean after. I knew I messed up though. And how badly I treated her by doing that. All of that was wrong all of it. I see now honesty would’ve went a long way in this situation but regardless, We’ve been working to try to keep things together. Although I’m really starting to feel like I truly ruined my sons life before he could be born, and probably my girlfriends life as well.
Pictured is my dinner from a few days ago, costed me $3.50 from the gas station lol.
I understand how badly I’ve hurt her trust and views on love. I truly know this was wrong hence why I told her so soon after it happened. I really am not sure still to this day why I cheated. I was seeing a counselor for a while. And she explained it as a cocktail of negative factors. I was under a lot of stress and alcohol was involved and it was a one time thing, none of that excuses sick behavior that I pulled. But Truly. I am sick with myself and the decision I made.
Almost 7 months in, PPD is not helping this situation at all. I love my girlfriend so much and am verry thankful for all that she does for me and our family. And I am thankful she’s given me an opportunity to try to make things right and truly try to grow and be better. But she’s said some absolutely terrible things about me lately over mistakes or being misperceived as rude. It’s destroying me. Bad. The things she’s said is so mean I don’t understand. I feel like my life is spiraling at the moment. And I deserve all the bad things that are happening to me now including borderline verbal abuse from her.
I’m only 23 I am so utterly angry at my parents for sheltering me to the point I do not understand a lot of relationship fundamentals and sexual understanding (not counting months in treatment facilities missing my senior year of highschool leading to certain rights being taken away over “suicidal ideation” aka controlling parents and toxic environment causing MDD, anxiety, self harm, suicidal thoughts, attempts and self medicating at 16 leading to plethora of meds + months stays at hospitals and facilities with potential mood disorder meds etc 10+ pills forced in a teens throat over cuts on their arm and parents who couldn’t love him properly) i just needed a hug but. That was 7 years ago. I should be over that by now.
Not trying to blame them for a choice I made as an adult just devastated I feel they left me ill prepared for life in general. I swore to myself and everyone that I will make sure to teach my son way more about relationships and treating partners well and hopefully not repeat the issues I have. Truly want nothing more for him than to break generation curses that have absolutely messed my family up. Because of a lot of men having emotional or sexual immaturity in my family. I’m just sad I’m starting to feel like me and my girlfriend might not make it. And I wanted our son to see real love from his parents. And it’s sad because what’s happening right now doesn’t portray how we felt for each-other. Fucking sucks. I’m really not well.
Absolute joke I live in. I’m having a really hard time right now. I’m trying to hang on but not sure it’s enough. My son’s smile make me so happy. Warms my whole heart. I love him lots. And my girlfriend too, I just wish she wasn’t so angry and mean to me these days.. I think we’re falling out of love, I’m not sure, I’m struggling. Have a good day/night. Apologies for any triggers or anything.. Not my intention at all. All love. Sorry if this reads as a mentally ill 20 year old because it is exactly what it is .