Hi guys, me (20M) and my (19F) ex (FA) broke up almost 4 weeks ago. Reddit has helped a lot in discovering that it is not just me going through this. We have been pretty much no contact the entire time other than giving each other our stuff back (although there are still a few things I need back), despite countless attempts to just sit and have a mature conversation with her. I started respecting the no contact, and it gets easier each day especially writing down my feelings. I have one dilemma, I sort of have a letter that I wrote for myself in a closure type of way. I wasn't BLATANTLY disrespectful, I guess there are a few criticisms, but it is mostly about how it made me feel. I am wondering if I should send her this letter, regardless of if she reads it or not. Here is the letter, it is long but I would appreciate any type of advice/criticisms or experiences someone has had in the position I find myself in. Thank you
This is for me and myself. Not a hate letter. Not begging. To put my feelings into words and give myself closure -If anything a thank you.
I know my worth. You came to me- a single, happy, content man- expecting just another girl to play with him and ghost him. I had my walls up. I protected myself. I made sure that I wouldn’t let anyone get my hopes up, therefore having no intentions of anything. You showered me with love. You showed that someone could be just as obsessed with me- as I am with them. I genuinely thought I found someone tired of being played, tired of feeling like they were too much, someone who wanted deep, everlasting love. And I did feel that way. I remember taking my time during the talking stage wondering- should I jump into this?- scared of being heartbroken again. I thought about it, and decided, you could be the one. You were so into me and I loved it. We made long distance work, I would make the drive- a thing you said you wouldn’t even do for someone else. And I remember sitting in that Subway parking lot and telling you, “I would do almost anything for you”, and I truly felt like that. And eventually on one of those drives home listening to music, I knew I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with that [name]. Despite the things that could slightly get on my nerves, the small insecurities I could let go- despite you kicking me out of your dorm and leaving me to drive home alone in utter sadness wondering why you could treat me like that.
No one had anything good to say.
You're a quitter- shutting down and incapable of having uncomfortable conversations.
As the anxious person I made so many excuses for you.
I forgave you for shit when you broke my trust.
I stuffed my heartbreak deep down into a bag and zipped it up just because I wanted it to be you.
I deserve someone that doesn't bug out on me for lifting my chin in a goddamn tattoo shop and tell me everyone's dying when I try and reassure you of something.
Intimacy and affection slowly disappeared.
You made me feel so unwanted at times.
I needed the reassurance that I gave you over and over, you told me to grow up and act my age.
You showed your true colors as an avoidant.
You ruined so much for me.
The park.
The movies.
Music.
School.
A fucking slice of pizza.
A random park bench or swing-set.
Things that became ingrained in my mind to think of you and us.
Your impatience got to me.
Your hypocrisy got to me.
All of it- I should've just not stuck it out for you because it was something that I knew that I would only do for you, and not the other way around.
You fooled me real good at the beginning, you showed me a side of you that I thought was an anxious person scared of love and willing to do whatever it takes- because that is me. You miss the men who yearn, but when you are finally presented with one who would drop everything just for you, you push him away and shut down.
You made me feel like someone else would want to make it work just as bad as me. You used to be so attentive with me, loving, into me so goddamn much. But as time went on you started pulling away, my worst nightmare, something I thought you were afraid of too. You can say it all you want, how you never lost a spark with me but, that's how avoidant people work, they start to pull away. I was always so worried of being damned into a relationship with another avoidant person. It's so interesting because they don't see that they are avoidant at all, you started lacking accountability, you became more selfish, you blamed me for bad communication even though at first, I would go about it the way it was supposed to be gone about. You didn't trust me. You had no reason not to. Because i lift my chin up in a fucking tattoo shop- all built-up trust disappeared. Meanwhile I catch you looking at an exes profile and you know what I did? I stuffed it into that 6 foot bag and forgot about it. 1 AM dropping everything to come to your college 5 hours away just to make you feel loved when I know you would never do the same for me. Slowly wanting to hang out with me less. All signs that I picked up on- and all signs I stuffed deeper and deeper into that bag. Never wanting to talk it out, threatening breakups at the beginning of the relationship- all early, early signs of who you truly were. It got to a point where I was just waiting for the old you to come back and I made so many efforts and excuses to make it happen. Maybe it's school? Maybe she’s stressed all the time? Maybe it's just a bad month? Maybe I need to show her I love her even more? But that you- the one I fell so deeply in love with never came back. The you i texted immediately after landing from a 6 hour flight- one day of “knowing” each other. The one that responded immediately after I texted. The one who would get cutely upset at me not responding to a text in 2 minutes. The one that yearned for me just as much. You made me feel so handsome, but towards the end I came to feel like just another regular guy. You made me feel so wise, but then I started to feel crazy. You made me feel so loved, but then I came to feel unlovable. Even times I would wonder if I was being too clingy- you said no. It's because you ate that shit up, you loved the attention I gave you because no one else would. Your avoidant selfishness really began to show. Scared of getting deeper and deeper into a relationship. More and more scared of me seeing you vulnerable, in fear that I would just stop caring about you. I know that's how you work. I opened every bit of my heart and mind to you, I laughed, but most importantly, I cried. I cried in front of you. Something I have never done for anyone else. And that was my biggest mistake. Letting you see me so goddamn vulnerable, letting you see that I can be broken. I made myself so little for you- And there will be a time where you realize I loved you unconditionally.
It's things like this that make me hate the loverboy part of me because I genuinely can't help myself get attached to someone. You made me feel so safe and cared for at the start. And I knew when I asked the question of "will you ever get too comfortable" and you said, "that's just how it works in relationships". How do you expect to find someone who yearns? How do you expect to get that persistent, forgiving, unbreakable bond of love that you never received before? The thing that really gets me is "I never asked you to do that". What do you think a relationship is then?? You do these things not because they ask, but because you love them with everything in your heart. Avoidant. That's the real you. You pushed me away, just like you said.
"Overstimulating"
"Needy"
-Both things that you described the way that I loved, and needed love.
I don't want someone to think my overwhelming love is overstimulating.
I'll never let someone make me feel like that again. That my love is "overstimulating". But once again, I put it deeper and deeper into that bag.
And I get it, I know why you're avoidant, I'm sorry you've always felt like you're the only one that could be there for yourself, a past of being overlooked, a past without tender love and care, and secure love. You got used to being independent, but the thing is- I tried to become that person that didn't overlook you, the one that gave you 100% every single time. But you were so used to being the overlooked, independent girl, who can't accept that someone can feel that way about them. And I admit my wrongs, I take accountability, no one's perfect, but through it all- I didn't change. Not once. I’m sorry for times I made you feel like you weren't enough. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings during certain instances. I didn't dive in headfirst for the first few months and slowly pull away like you. My love grew day after day, looking forward to a future that was just a hoax.
I feel manipulated by the person you once were, a side you showed me and I fell in love with- just to later be blindsided by an uninterested and avoidant version of you.