Me 22F and my boyfriend 44M ( I feel like I hate him )
If I can even stomach calling him that...
All of this is rushing to me (once again) because he's so persistent about being intimate with me but I literally can't find myself feel any pleasure and I am rarely able to get off..? I haven't felt anything down there for MONTHS because just the thought about it urks me. He makes me feel so guilty about it...
I can't tell if its just the honeymoon ending; but even then I still kinda felt the same way I do now... I've tried breaking it off with him. I've given him paragraphs on how I just don't feel attracted to him anymore, bullet points and everything. But he makes it feel like im too dumb to understand what this "real love" is. That because of our age difference, I'm too young to understand that hes just looking out for me?! It's almost been a year with him and I've lost so much weight, i have no interest in anything anymore. I can just feel my mental health has drastically changed... His love for me has only gotten stronger and im repulsed by it. I constantly try to talk about how I feel but it just goes back to me being wrong..
With the no interest for example; if he doesn't like the game I'm playing he'll make me feel shitty for playing it. This guy sits on Stardew Valley for hours everyday straight. I liked stardew valley but playing it so much has drained me-- he constantly makes it a point that its because I just dont want to hang out with him and HES RIGHT. He sucked all the fun out of it. Our play styles are so different that I do not enjoy playing games with him. I have no friends anymore because he makes it weird whenever I try to hang out with anybody. I can't dress nicely because he makes it out that I'm "looking good for other guys" I just feel so hopeless and depressed about it. Im afraid to break up with him because I feel like he'll still harass me. The only people he ever gives me SOME grace about is if I'm with my Mom or younger brother; but with I "hang out with them too long" he suspects I was lying about it and doing something else...
I feel trapped. Maybe I'm just being dramatic-- I cant tell how I feel anymore. Constantly being told Im wrong and taking his actions and thoughts wrong so I shouldnt feel that way..
I have no confidence in myself anymore. I just really need some advice.
TLDR: I have no attraction and his just keeps growing. Ive kinda surrendered and he loves it...