Coming here for advice: my partner is starting to feel weird to me now that i've officially said no to hot wifing again.
My partner M(45) asked me to start hot wifing a couple years ago. I, F(40) agreed to give it a try but stated I prefer monogamy over ENM activities like hot wifing. He said it's a fantasy thats about my pleasure so, if I like it, great! If I don't, thats ok as well. I tried it a couple times and there were no "bad bad" sexual experiences, just not great. The third's that we invited didn't give a lot of effort to be pleasing, it was more about fucking, rather than getting me off kinda thing. There was one who was considerate but as soon as we left the bedroom and went out for coffee/ a drink, he would start pointing out and exclaiming about other women who looked very different from me. It felt exaggerated, almost a way to compare me to them or neg me, as this behavior was low to non-existent before hand.
TLDR; I tried it, I didn't find it to my liking, and I feel somewhat emotionally scarred from it. I've expressed this to my partner and he is very firm on me wanting to "be open" rather than fully accepting my no. So now, I'm starting to get uncomfortable with him and I'm also starting to feel coerced. At the same time I feel like a damn shrew because, maybe I could be open to it later, so why am I saying no now?
Is it a big deal that my partner is kinda not allowing me to say no. It feels like a big deal to me honestly, I tried it, I didn't like it, and I don't want to do it again. Why am I being asked to "be open" when I am clearly saying no. Is this a thing for ENM couples? I need your help, I'm getting confused and would really appreciate some points to reflect on.