food: burger and fries (i was walking while eating this lol)
this tuesday it’ll be exactly 3 years since my ex-boyfriend, the love of my life, broke up with me, and i’m still not over him. if there was a way to prove it, i’d be willing to bet a lot of money that since the breakup, not a single day has gone by when i didn’t think of him. i’m sure of it. i know they say healing isn’t linear, but if i’m still not over him now, it feels like I’m never going to get over him. i’m sure i’m not the only person who’s taken this long to get over someone, but i can’t help but feel pathetic about it. THREE YEARS LATER. almost the length of our relationship. it’s so bad i STILL have a box of all the things from our relationship. gifts that he gave me, cards he wrote me, or just mementos from stuff we did together, including the movie ticket stub from our first date. it’s just sitting in my car because i keep telling myself i’m gonna drive to another neighborhood, find a dumpster and finally get rid of it, but i still can’t do it. that’s how bad it is.
i won’t go into all of the details, but the tldr is we were long distance for the last 9 months (i was in grad school), he wasn’t happy with some things i did but didn’t communicate his feelings with me (bc i was depressed and he didn’t want to “upset me”) until it was too late, he thought he was “too young to be in this serious of a relationship” (together for 3.5 years, we were 23 when we broke up), along with a bunch of other reasons, and even though i didn’t want to breakup or give up on the relationship, it was a very amicable breakup/there were no hard feelings. part of me thinks even if i hadn’t done things to upset him maybe he would’ve ended it eventually, which makes me feel better because at least then there’s nothing i could’ve done, but i’ll never know if that’s the case.
even though this is the greatest pain i’ve ever felt, i could never hate him because he was such an amazing boyfriend and our relationship was like a dream. i know i was very young when we broke up and am still young now so this may sound naive, but i can’t tell you enough how sure i was that this was the man i was going to marry. i honestly wish he had been a shittier boyfriend because at least those guys are easier to get over and move on from. the bright side is he’s set the bar incredibly high, so i’ll never let myself settle, but unfortunately i have yet to meet anyone even remotely as good as him and i don’t know if i ever will (i know i’m being dramatic). in the 2+ years since i’ve been on the dating apps, i’ve had less than 10 matches (i’m aware i might be too picky, but i just don’t want to settle) and gone on dates with 2 different men. one of them i was actually excited about until he ended things after a few dates even though i thought things were going well. i don’t like the idea of entering a new relationship without being over my previous one, but it seriously feels like i can’t get over him until i start dating someone else and fall in love again (i once heard someone say “love can be the catalyst for healing” and that might be the case for me ig). but i don’t know how to meet anyone new (i don’t like going out) and i’m too poor to sign up for new hobbies to try to meet new people. and i’m not attracted to any of the men i see on dating apps. and even if i was, i feel like they’ll never be able to compare to him personality wise.
the last time i went home my mom brought him up because he still sees her instagram stories or something and she tried making a joke about it and i said i didn’t want to talk about it, and she said something like seriously (my name)? implying that it’s been so long since the breakup how am i still not over it, which sounds mean but she’s right. her saying that hit me like a fucking truck and made me feel so pathetic. and now it’s been another 5 months since that happened. still not over him. i just don’t know what to do anymore. if another 6 months go by (and the length of time since the breakup surpasses the length of our relationship) i genuinely don’t know what i’m going to do.
there’s so much more i want to write, but this is already so all over the place. i’m clearly not a good writer but i just needed to get my thoughts out there because i have no one to talk to about this. i have truly amazing friends, but i’m too embarrassed to admit to any of them that i’m still not over him, even though they probably already know. and even if i do talk to them about it for the millionth time, what can they possibly say at this point that i haven’t already heard? i just feel absolutely hopeless. i remember within the first year after the breakup i cried so much, and when it would hit me really hard i kept asking myself when will this pain end. so, another 2+ years later, even though on a day to day basis i feel so much better, deep down barely any of that pain has subsided, and i still ask myself that question. when will this pain end? it feels like it never will