I (21f) cheated on my bf (33m)
I (21f) cheated on my boyfriend (33M) of a year and a half. For context, we were together for about a year and then broke up for a few months in which time I did sleep with a couple of people. I was seeing someone consistently until I got back in touch with my bf last October and we got back together. At first the relationship was amazing and we were super close but over time my bf became more distant and less loving towards me. It is basically the same cycle as the first time we were together where I feel like he is falling out of love with me but he just blames it on work and tiredness. We actually nearly broke up once because he said he couldn’t get over the fact I slept with people whilst we were broken up but I begged him to stay.
We have not seen each other in a month now as I am back home from uni for the summer and he had to move away from work. For the past couple of weeks I have been coming to terms with the fact that I probably want to break up with him, not because I don’t love him but because the spark has faded and the distance is too hard. We have barely called or told each other ‘I love you’ and he hasn’t said he misses me once or complimented me. However I have been putting it off because we have plans to see each other this coming week and so I wanted to see how it went.
Last night I went to meet a few of my coworkers after I finished work and the guy I was seeing in the summer happened to be in the same pub as us. We had a brief conversation but that was it. My bf doesn’t even want me to talk to him so that alone was disrespectful. After a few drinks one of my coworkers and I decided to stay out and go clubbing and I messaged my kind of ex to see if he was still out. I had to unblock him from when my bf asked me to do the intention was most likely there to do something wrong. My ex was all over me in the club and we ended up kissing and making out and then we went home together. We stopped off to buy condoms and I turned my phone off so my bf couldn’t see my location. I wouldn’t have done it sober but I obviously don’t think drinking is an excuse as I knew what I was doing. I think I just wanted attention that my boyfriend doesn’t ever give me. He never compliments me and I have sent him a couple of nudes during the month we haven’t seen each other, which he genuinely barely acknowledged. I know it is childish and vain but I just wanted to feel desired. And after not seeing my bf for a month and bumping into someone familiar who clearly wanted me so bad it was just so tempting and I gave in. I know it is a deeply shitty thing to do.
Now I have no idea how to go about telling my boyfriend. I have spoken to a few of my friends and my mum and they all say not to tell him over text and to tell him in person which means I have to wait a couple of days and the guilt is eating me alive. I know that the relationship has to end now but I don’t know how I will gather the courage to look him in the eyes and tell him what I did. My mum also says not to tell him what I did but my friends say I should. I also don’t know how I can pretend everything is normal until I see him. He is currently asking me questions about where I was last night and why my location was turned off which I have no idea how to answer without lying to him. Plus I am at work until midnight most likely so it is totally the wrong time to tell him. But if I ignore him he will know something is up. Honestly I would just tell him now if it weren’t for my friends telling me to do it in person.
He has been cheated on before and has massive trust issues because of it. Every time I go out he gets paranoid I have cheated on him or seen an ex (I have never done anything like this to him or anyone before.) I just feel awful to make his trust issues worse for his next relationship and also to hurt him more so I don’t know if telling him might be the wrong thing to do. On the other hand he might find out from a mutual friend and I also don’t think I have it in me to lie to him. He might not be the perfect boyfriend but he is a good person and I do love him a lot. I feel so guilty and I do regret it, I should have just broken up with my boyfriend weeks ago when I first realised that the distance wasn’t going to work.
I don’t know whether waiting to tell him just means I have to lie for 2 days about it. He is currently texting me loads of questions about why my location was turned off and I think he knows something is up?