u/4nge1eyeb411

i have to actually let go. i think i did today in a way; i left our spotify blend. it sounds silly, and it is, but it was hard. it was the last thing i had of you and i wonder why you still have it saved too. nonetheless, i keep telling myself if you want me back, you’ll come and get me. sure, it’s gonna be hard to actually let go, and my heart physically aches at that thought, but at the same time, i need this chapter to end. not even in regards to you, but with so many other things in my life. i’m graduating and looking for a job. i am trying a new medication that stabilizes my mood. i am trying to improve my physical and mental health. my brother is getting better, hopefully my dog too. i think for a long time, i was scared of a lot of these things, and you, my stability, left me in the middle of it all. i was scared of this chapter ending because i didn’t know what was going to happen next. the unknown is terrifying, though now i realize that i can handle it with or without you there. sometimes i feel stupid because i didn’t need you in the first place. i’ve always been independent. in the wise words of meredith grey, “i can live without you, but i don't want to.” i need this chapter to end so i can move onto bigger and brighter things; maybe you’ll join me in it at some point. it all kind of sounds like bullshit, and honestly it feels like it too. still, i hope if i say it enough times, it’ll become the truth. now when i think about getting back together, it’s not indifference that i feel but ambivalence. because again, if you want me, you’ll come and get me. and yes, i want you, but i also want what’s best for myself. if you are truly what is best for me, you’ll will come and get me. i just know i need this chapter to end. i need summer to come and grace me with something, anything better.

truly and wholeheartedly i don’t know how i feel about you. as time goes on, the anger inside of me only brews. i think about how stupid i was for continually trying to coax you into getting back together. instead of a yes or no answer you told me to wait till i’m back into town, send YOU a message, and then we could meet up. why do i have to send a message? if you love me like you say you do, wouldn’t you care enough to text me first? i don’t know if the anger is anger or if it’s sadness. am i just using that emotion to hide how i actually feel? because at the end of the day, if you texted me i think i would respond immediately and say yes to whatever you say. is space fair? are you stringing me along or do you actually need this time? and if you need this time, is that stringing me along? the worst of all is that i still love you. and not in the way where i miss our stability. i love you. you were my best friend. and i really really need my best friend right now. even if i hate you or love you, i just wish you were here.

so i’ve been doing everything that i can to not obsess over my ex. we’ve unfollowed each other on every social media, haven’t had contact for a second (but have agreed to potentially talk in the summer to work things out), and been doing whatever i can to not think about him and think about myself. however, the one thing that i have been obsessing over is our spotify blend. it truly is our one form of “contact”. we both have the playlist saved still and obviously it updates every day. i get that small dopamine rush when i check and see the songs he’s listening to. i fear that this is blocking my manifestation of him back into my life but it is the one thing that im doing. and in a way, it makes me feel better bc of the songs i listen to are like “gives you hell” or “potential break song”. his songs are kinda all over the place, some of it is longing while others are moving on but that’s exactly why i like to look everyday. it’s different 😭😭 anyway pls lmk if i should stop but i also don’t know if i can.

while i know you’re not in this subreddit, i do know that you’re on reddit. sometimes i wonder if you ever wander into the sad part of this app; the heartbreak subreddits to unsent messages to whatever other place helps deal with a breakup. are you reading this right now? probably not. most of these communities are for the dumpees or people filled with regret or asking for advice. i fit into the first category, yet i’m not sure if you fit into the last two. at least i don’t think you’re searching for an answer here. i wish i knew how you felt, how you’re dealing. you told me in our last conversation after we broke up that you still love me. do you still feel the same? are you here right now looking for some solace or help? are you here confessing what you did wrong and how to make up for it? i look for you in every post. if i read one that is even a tiny bit similar to our situation, i’m viewing that persons profile; because who knows? i don’t, and i really really wish i could. maybe you are here, reading this right now, but i really really doubt it.

every hour my opinion changes about you. one hour, i think you’re the worst person alive. then the next i’m daydreaming about laying in your arms. i deserve better, but all i want is you. it’s a juxaposing feeling. i can’t hate you, but i don’t want to love you. yet here we are, navigating it in the worst way possible too.

everything is going wrong and all i wish was that you were here by my side, comforting me.

i see you listening to

you oughta know (which you know is my song)

some protector

heart of glass

thank you

look after you

you belong with me

hey there delilah

my girl

where did our love go

everywhere everything

would that i

big black car

landslide

complicated

WHAT DOES IT MEAN. WHAT DOES IT FUCKING MEAN BRO…do you want me or not.

hating you would be so much easier than dealing with this. i keep trying to hate you. i really do. i listen to the songs and i think about how you wronged me. i think about how i would have never done to you what you did to me. but no matter how hard i try to hate you, the love i feel becomes more overwhelming. it’s not fair i can’t hate you. it’s not fair that all i want is to be yours again. i feel like i’m on edge. i keep waiting for you to finally text me back that you want me and that you’re sorry. i think it’s worse knowing that you love me. because i love you too. so please just put an end to all this nonsense.

jesus christ just text me already. i know you want to. please just do it.

i knew when i woke up this morning you wouldn’t be next to me. somehow though, i was still hoping that if i opened my eyes you’d be there. i miss you like crazy today and i’ve only been awake for 2 hours. it’s been a month, a little longer maybe. do you feel this way too? how often do you think about me? i keep telling myself that i should be with someone who wants to fight for me, for us. i should just let go; but i can’t. you live in my mind and i cannot evict you no matter how hard i try. everyday i pray that you recognize your loss and come crawling back. and everyday i imagine myself taking you back in a heartbeat. to be fair lately, in these imaginary situations i tell you that i want you to fight for me and that i only want to be with someone who cares to keep pushing until all reasoning have been exhausted. but my imaginary situation loves to make you reassure me that you are. and then i fall into an even more deeper, delusional state of wanting you back because maybe it’s true. maybe you will say these things i want you to say. even while writing this i wonder if i don’t reach out in a couple months to have our talk, would you? i don’t know.

the new medication i’m on can give me a life threatening rash. it’s only been two weeks but i’ve already developed a mild case. i’m going to stop taking the medicine; i’m sure i’ll be fine as it’s supposed to be common. though i keep wondering, if i went to the hospital would you visit me? would you care to come and make sure i’m okay? part of me thinks yes, you would. but another part feels like you wouldn’t because you would want to keep your distance. would it even be appropriate to call you? to ask for you to come and see me? would that be selfish? would it hurt you? would you want to know? i would want you there, and i think you would show up. but i wonder if you’d want to be there. you would, for me. i know you would. but would that change anything? would everything still be the same between us? at the end of the night would we go home without each other?

i’ve been in this depressive spiral for a week or so. there was a point where i thought i was a little better but no, it was actually just getting worse if anything. i need to get my shit together. if i even want a chance of getting you back i have to get my shit together. not for you, for me. you’d just be an added bonus.

i’m pathetic, aren’t i? patiently waiting for your text isn’t good for me, is it? i wish i could just get over you. you’ve always said you’ve never loved anyone like me, but i didn’t realize ive never loved anyone like you either. and now you’re gone and it’s your fault. you’ve left me here.

it’s one of those days where i miss you too much. it’s one of those days where i get nervous about how you feel.

it’s one of those days where i think about when we see each other in two months i get scared that time hasn’t changed you.

and that you won’t want me anymore.

some days im optimistic. but it’s one of those days where i’m not.

i love you