Sorry about the long rant and this might be the only time I tell my story to get it out of my chest once and for all. Here goes nothing, something that makes me wonder, drags me down, led me down dark pathways and still haunts me and question myself as a man.
I married my highschool sweetheart roughly 15 years ago. We were both virgin and she wanted to wait till we were married and being blindly in love with her I agreed. Btw we are from a conservative society as Nd it was kinda normal for people not to have sex before marriage.
On our first night together I pulled all the stops, stuff I've read, tricks I've even and as usual the stuff you see on porn. She had a very rough time going through it and whatever I did there was no positive reaction from her. Finally she said she can't feel anything in her vagina. No pleasure, just pain. I was devastated, questioned myself as a man. I couldn't give her an orgasm and I was scarred and feeling humiliated. Enter oral sex on her after that night and she goes wild. She becomes a while different being and I learn that shes a squirter too.
Since then I've always got her off orally, every single time but penetrative sex does nothing for her. I began to question myself and my ability as a man. I am very average sized man between my legs and I thought maybe I'm just not enough for her. Penetrative sex became a chore for her, something she did for my sake. This put me off regular sex. The times we have sex kept getting less and less. I started watching porn and taking care of my needs but anytime she needed me I was there to satisfy her orally.
After questioning myself for so long I ended up having an affair with another married woman. She seemed to absolutely enjoy me when we have sex, praised me for my ability and how much attention I was giving her. This made me feel like a man again. The affair continued for over 5 years till I moved to a different country.
We have two kids together, and I love my kids and my wife to bits. But at the same time I miss the excitement of having someone enjoy the mutual satisfaction of sex. It feels so one sided and been so long the sex life is almost non existent, I still get her off whenever she asks but never force her to take care of me. She knows about my porn habit and doesn't even disturb me on my daily ritual.
I have had few flings here and there but I feel so guilty after and they are short lived now. I love my kids and wife too much to walk away and I am not someone who would abandon them just because I am missing sex.
Rant over, thanks for the chance to vent.