F, 50s. I've spent years trying to get an Autism/ADHD diagnosis after multiple therapists independently told me I show clear traits of both and that my original EUPD diagnosis was likely wrong, or at least, that any EUPD that developed was probably because my Autism/ADHD was never identified.
I've masked my entire life. It's now becoming unbearable.
Autism/ADHD services have decided that because I previously had EMDR and Art therapy, I can't possibly be Autistic/ADHD. That's apparently the logic.
The Art therapy was a disaster. I left because it was actively harming my enjoyment of art as an artist. My therapist would project the most ridiculous interpretations onto my work, so I started deliberately producing pieces I knew he'd misread. I also couldn't open up in a group setting at all. Despite all this, that same therapist repeatedly suggested I was on the spectrum and showed clear ADHD traits, specifically mentioning Asperger's/Autism.
The EMDR therapist dug up a lot of repressed memories that are now worse than before, because I couldn't focus on how I was supposed to reprocess them. During sessions he would actually laugh at my responses, not unkindly, and comment on how strongly my Autism/ADHD traits came through.
They assessed me using random six word fragments pulled from my notes, by people who have never properly interacted with me. Their conclusion? I have no obsessions, I make eye contact, I socialise fine.
They are describing a completely different person. There is zero consideration of female masking.
They don't see what it costs me to just get out of bed. They don't see that I fixate intensely on specific subjects for weeks, that I eat the same food on rotation until suddenly I can't, that I wear the same new favourite outfit every day until it's abruptly not my favourite anymore. I have to mentally map every venue before I can attend, locate the toilets, find the quiet corners, identify the exits. I can't go anywhere unfamiliar alone, but I also struggle deeply when people are around. I always have several projects on the go at once but can't finish any of them effectively because I get sidetracked and pulled into the next thing before the last one is done.
And then there's the contradiction of it all. The Autism wants routine, sameness, and completion. The ADHD pulls me in every direction at once. Living with both fighting each other constantly is so overwhelming and it's really hard to explain.
I could go on. I genuinely haven't scratched the surface of my traits here, I'd be here all day if I listed them all.
I feel gaslit constantly. I'm told I'm fine because I present a certain way. Nobody sees under the surface.
I'm spiralling. The overwhelm is real. I genuinely don't know where to turn. I'm actually fearful I can no longer do this.
Has anyone navigated this? Especially late diagnosed women who were told therapy somehow rules out Autism/ADHD?