u/47r7o

One of my first real sexual experiences were with a man who was 46 and i was around 15 i remember him telling me only older men would like me because theyre desperate and boys my age wouldnt want me because im too ugly. After that day I sought out men older than me because I really felt like id never find real love unless it was with an older man but that in turn led to me being a victim over and over and over again. I struggle so hardly with feeling like its ALL my fault, does anyone have tips on how to not constantly blame myself 24/7

I’ve never shared my story with anyone because I’m so afraid of judgment from people in my life., but it’s been causing so much internal suffering. So, here I am attempting to share it. I was 15 at the time and on the internet a lot. I needed someone to talk to because, in my personal life, I truly didn’t have a single soul. I blame myself first because I was truly looking for someone older. ​Eventually, I met someone who was 38. We talked a lot, and I remember the first day we spoke, he mentioned he could get in trouble since I was so young—but then he found out I lived nearby, and suddenly none of that seemed to matter to him anymore. We talked for a month, and he mentioned "coming my way" while he was on his way to visit a friend. I agreed, because in my mind, he was someone I could trust and someone who loved me. He made me genuinely feel loved for the first time in my life. ​The day we met up, I remember having a sick feeling in my stomach. When I actually got in his car, he looked at me and asked, "Are you sure you want to do this?" and "We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to." He told me we were going to get something to eat, but as we kept driving, we got further and further away from everything I knew. I remember asking where we were going, and it was in that moment that he took my phone and said everything was going to be fine. ​He pulled into a dirt area on the side of the road, hidden behind trees. I remember being so afraid; I tried opening the doors, but I was so scared that moving felt impossible. It was in that spot where he took advantage of me. I remember begging him to stop and begging him to let me go. I put up a fight, and I lost that fight. For some reason I blame myself for all of this, how can I fix this feeling of guilt?