i turned 30 today, please don't say happy birthday. i don't really like my birthday or big event days because i don't feel like i'm good at living up to the expectations of having a good day.
background context: my boyfriend has just completed a week long intensive driving course and passed his test yesterday. i'm really proud of him and pleased for him and the opportunities this will open up for him and for us as a couple. we also moved in together a few months ago and so far it's going well but i am still adjusting to someone else being in 'my' space. i think he might have found the driving course quite tiring.
originally he was going to be working today from 2pm until 10pm. i am off work for 9 days starting today. we had plans to visit a cat cafe this morning and then i was going to have a nice hangout day by myself, maybe go shopping in the city where we live and treat myself to some nice things, watch one of my favourite movies tonight and maybe paint my nails. nothing fancy.
i got up this morning and opened my present from my bf which was really thoughtful and i absolutely loved. he told me he had put in a last minute request at his work for today and tomorrow off but he could cancel if i wanted to spend the day alone. i said it was fine because he sprang it on me i guess and i didn't feel able to react and i wasnt sure how i felt (alexithymia says hi!). we went to the cat cafe and afterwards his manager called to confirm that he could have the time off. by this time i knew i wanted to be alone but felt unable to ask him to cancel the request because i did not want to be an inconvenience or hurt his feelings.
i did tell him after a little while that i felt discombobulated by his changing my plans and asked him not to do it again without asking in advance. i told him what i had planned to do today and he offered to give me the time alone. i struggled with accepting this and we went to head out together. about ten minutes into walking into the city i told him i felt really weird, i felt like i could have had a melt or shutdown, and accepted his offer for him to go home so i could be out alone. i did not accept his offer to spend time in his separate bedroom so that i could have time alone in the flat when i got back. i dont know why and i wish i had said yes but really mostly i wish i had asked him to cancel his leave request and go into work.
the reason i am posting is to ask for advice in forgiving him and forgiving myself for being a pushover. overall i have had quite a nice day but i think i'm taken aback that my boyfriend did this because normally he's very good at taking my autism into account. i am generally struggling with feeling quite tired and overwhelmed at the moment, i will have alone time on friday while he works but only until 6pm, so i am planning on asking for alone time tomorrow and over the weekend. i am also hoping i will feel better in the morning, i think i will but any advice would be really appreciated. thank you for reading :)