I love my wife. We are both in our early 40s and have been married for ten years. She is a great mom, handles our family’s scheduling, and we have lots of similar interests and views on life.
Recently she lost her job, which was 1/2 of our income. It was by no fault of her own (company went under) I make about $125k annual, we have some savings, and our only debt is a very manageable mortgage. We are way behind on retirement investments but we can survive on my income for the time being.
I wake up at 6:15 most mornings, get the kids ready for and take them to school, come home, exercise, work until 5-ish, then either help with sport activities for the kids or tidy up the house. Nothing has changed with my routine since my wife lost her job.
Her routine used to be work from home, pick up kids, and run various errands / groceries. Since she’s been unemployed she started doing some of my household cleaning, which I appreciate (I used to do the majority of it), and then sleeping/watching tv/ doing puzzles all day before picking up kids. I’m beginning to have feelings of frustration because things like walking the dog aren’t happening. I don’t know what I expected while she’s not working but I hoped some kind of personal growth would occur. New hobby, volunteer, new social circles, exercise, just something.
In addition to this, I feel like she is becoming more distant with me emotionally and physically. I am highly attracted to her but she’s always had a low libido. Until last year we only had sex once a month, at best. More recently we are averaging twice a month. FWIW I am a very selfless lover and prioritize her pleasure. When she is actually in to it, the sex is incredible. Lately it seems like a task she just needs to get out of the way after some drinks on a Saturday night. Then in the days after I feel she tries to avoid any situation or comment that could even potentially hint that I love her or think she’s hot. If I do get the opportunity to touch her thigh, rub my hand on her back, or try for a random kiss, it’s never reciprocated. She constantly turns down back rubs. The rejections and avoidance truly hurt. We’ve had convos about her libido, things temporarily improve, then back to normal. They’re always taken very hard by her and she will cry. I feel I cannot bring this up again because, I think, she already feels bad about not working. And we just talked about it three months ago. I HATE seeing her cry and honestly just want her to be happy.
So I guess now the intimacy avoidance, combined with unemployment, is starting to weigh heavier on me. I am fortunate that my job is secure but, in this economy, I stress about all the financial weight being on my shoulders.
I think what I want is to just feel appreciated for the weight I’m carrying. And, for me, the way to do that is showing affection. Despite what she’s said in the past, I do not feel she’s attracted to me whatsoever. I’m not in to the latest fashion trends, but I am in great shape for my age. I do a lot around the house and with the kids.
I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just looking to vent. What do I even do here? How can I bring any of this up without coming across like “I am man provider, you are woman who must satisfy me” ? What I want is for her to want me. To feel fulfilled in her life. I would prefer she works, but honestly don’t care as long as she’s happy. I suspect she is NOT happy right now because of the spending cuts we’ve had to make and because she’s not attracted to her husband.