I'm in actual agony. In a couple of months I shifted from the happiest woman alive to the most miserable one. I would have never actually went through with suicide before but now it seems like the only option to deal with the agony and I don't care about life anymore. I can't believe I'm even writing this.
I've had suicidal thoughts in the past. My early teenage years were just shit. Something shifted inside me after some years, and it just kept getting better and better. Eventually I met the love of my life. I felt like I'm standing on the top of the world. Life was just so good. And such a good life was waiting for us both. I've never met anyone like him. So much passion for life, feeling the world as deeply as I do. We agreed on nearly everything and had perfect communication. I mean it.
Until a point came where my mental illnesses kicked in again and ruined everything. He couldn't watch me suffer anymore and broke up. There was nothing I could do to make him stay, there's nothing I can do to make him come back now.
I simply can't comprehend that I lost him. I don't know how to deal with the agony, and how to live without him. There is a hole that can't be filled. I'm too attached to him, I'm so fascinated by him that I've always wanted somebody like this in my life and now it seems like it's over.
I've become a hedonistic vegetable. I've lost most of my interests. My relationship with God is in ruins and I feel guilt beyond comprehension, especially for the suicidal thoughts even though I feel like He would forgive me. My health, both mental and physical, seem to be decaying. And I simply don't want to get better.
The old me is screaming at me somewhere deep inside to get better, to trust God, to get up, to forget everything and engage in this beautiful life again. But I just can't. I'm too exhausted. Life has been drained from me and I feel like I can't deal with the agony from losing him.