Hey all you Mama's and Daddies,
I'm a relatively newly single dad to a 5 year old step son and 1 year old daughter. I split with their mom in January and ever since the split I feel like I've lost myself, like I don't have a personality anymore because I only exist to go to work and keep my kids healthy/happy. I love doing that for them and I love learning and playing with them, but there are times where I try and fail to do things for myself and I've realized that for some reason I just can't let myself enjoy things like I used to. There's always a bit of guilt in me that I'm not with my kids when I'm doing something for myself. My mom has been great about volunteering to watch them if I want to make plans but if they ever come up in conversation all I can think about is "oh right, you do have a 1 year old you're neglecting right now".
I made this realization when I was talking to my buddy about dating and he mentioned taking time to find myself, but I really don't think I have the time to do that. How do you make yourself the partner you'd hope to find in someone else when you're doing all you can just to tread water? I'd love to date again, and there are even a few women I've met recently that seem absolutely wonderful and talk like they're into me, but I think I just have too much going on to dedicate time to a relationship (which really sucks). I had a brief fling with an ex from a decade ago that ended in a really dumb way and since then I'm almost scared to try dating again. I'm one of the only parents in my group of friends and I really don't have much to talk about these days but my kids anyway.
My ex baby mama also left me with a lot of work to do when she moved out, some of which I'm still playing catch up with on days that I'm free. She was always kind of a slob even before giving birth but going through post-partum made things exponentially worse. I tried so hard to be patient with her and pick up the slack, but when she stopped caring for herself and going to her appointments it all just fell apart. When she moved out her room was covered in trash, dirty diapers and half eaten food (I had been sleeping separately for months due to her refusal to address her sleep apnea and snoring). What essentially ended us was her alcoholism, her crazy, unwavering anti-vax beliefs and just a general lack of effort from her. We had a mouse infestation at one point which was a lot of work to eradicate and sanitize by myself. I only just got her to tow her non-functional car from my yard, but my shed and attic are still full of her things that she honestly doesn't have room for where she's staying currently, and since she refuses to leave her part time serving job to pursue a "big girl" job I doubt she can afford a storage unit. I say all of this to outline that even when I don't have my kids I have a near endless list of things to get caught up on at my home.
I found this subreddit tonight and I see posts of parents that sound like they've got it all together and that gives me some solid hope. I've been able to negotiate with their mom to change her schedule so she works evenings while I work mornings/afternoons during the week so I can get them both into a bedtime routine (she'd let our son stay up until 1am on his tablet when she lived with me and would not be firm with him about bed time unless I stepped in).
Idk, what keeps you guys going? How do you explain to yourself that you deserve guilt free time that you can genuinely enjoy? I want to figure out how to love myself as a single dad so my kids aren't being raised by an anxiety riddled, grumpy dad with no outlets. How do you find your identity as a single parent? Do we even get to do that with kids at these ages? How do you handle dating? I know there's not a one size fits all manual for these questions, but I'd love to hear from parents going through similar experiences.