u/3bees4years

My parents (55M and 56F) have been in divorce proceedings for two years now. They were the type of couple who should’ve gotten divorced a long time ago. Both were planning on serving papers to each other once my brother and I were both 18. Unfortunately, two years ago my dad’s affair came to light and my mother started divorce proceedings. We live in a commonwealth state (MA), meaning my mother cannot get the 90/10 split she was hoping for. Instead, she has found other (borderline illegal) ways to take her anger out on my dad and everyone she thinks sides with him, including me. She has initiated a harassment campaign against him, his new gf, his family and his friends. I acknowledge my dad made a mistake but he doesn’t deserve this. My 81 year old grandmother does not deserve this. I don’t deserve this. I need help.
I think it’s most helpful to list out the items that I need the most help on. There are plenty more but I don’t want to overburden you guys.

She signs my dad and his gf up for spam messages, spam emails, escort services, etc. She’ll harass him from different phone numbers. I do not know the extent of the harassment past this and from what I’ve heard it’s pretty typical behavior for a relationship ending in an affair but it has been persistent for the past two years and is bad enough that my dad has experienced suicidal thoughts because of it.

My mother has access to my dad’s, my grandma’s, my brother’s, and my phone numbers through Verizon family plan. She’s used the parental control feature to stalk our call logs and block people on our phones. She blocked my grandma’s best friend from calling my grandma. She went through all my dad’s call logs, called each number, and blocked any number belonging to a woman. My dad owns his own company and has been forced to get a new phone to keep clients because he can’t have my mom blocking their numbers on his phone. She’s also blocked my paternal aunt from calling my phone. Both my dad and I have spoken to Verizon and explained the situation, and Verizon has said there is nothing they can do because my mom is the account owner. She will not release the numbers, and my dad has been forced to get a new phone. I have to call him through instagram because if I call him on his new phone she’ll see it in the logs and harass him through that phone. My grandmother was manipulated into joining the family plan a few years before the divorce started, so she would be losing the number she has had basically since she got a cell phone. I’ll personally be losing the only number I’ve ever known, and the one tied to all my accounts if I switch. I understand this might be our only option but if there’s a way to get around it I really need that option too.

Last year, my mother drove 3 hours to my dad’s house in New Hampshire to vandalize it. It used to be the family vacation home, but my dad moved in permanently because of the high cost of renting an apartment in Massachusetts. He had not changed the locks before she came up, and she knew this. She put stickers and photos all around the house that referenced his affair, took the last of her things that were up there, smashed several photos of him, then left. She also left a book up there for my dad to find about a woman who murders her cheating husband, which my dad interprets as a death threat but legally cannot be considered one because my mother herself did not threaten to kill my dad. My mother is crafty enough to do things that are psychologically or financially damaging, but cannot be prosecuted in a court of law. A police report has been filed from this incident but it has not gone anywhere because my mother simply has not set foot in my dad’s town since then. She had an accomplice, one of her friends, and I am not sure if this friend is also in the police report. At the end of the day the friend might be more screwed than my mom for this incident, because the friend sometimes vacations in the county my dad lives in.

My mom has another friend, E, this one being the ex wife of one of my dad’s college friends. My mom and E only became friends out of a shared hatred for their ex husbands. This is not bad on its own, but what is bad is my mom telling E’s 14 year old daughter sexually graphic (and frankly baseless) stories about my dad, knowing E’s daughter will tell my dad’s friend about them. My mom has told me some sexually graphic stories about my dad, and has likely told my 17 year old brother far more graphic stories, but I am extremely disturbed by her decision to subject a child that young to that sort of stuff. My dad’s friend is trying to pursue full custody because of this, but I don’t know if this is plausible. This is probably the most disgusting act my mom has done and I don’t know if or how she will face any repercussions for it.

Finally, there’s just some miscellaneous stalking incidents that I should note. My mother claims that she “discovered” one of my dad’s doctor friends lost his license for overprescription, but this information is not easily obtainable so if it is true I don’t know how she got it. She has called and harassed my dementia-addled step-grandfather at the exact moment my grandmother was boarding a plane so that my grandmother wouldn’t be there to stop my mom. I don’t know how she got this information either. She has referenced private conversations I have had over Instagram messages with my dad, and texts my grandma and dad have sent my brother. I’ve checked to see if someone else is logged into my account for both Apple ID and Insta but there is nothing. I can’t speak on my brother’s behalf but I do have reason to suspect she’s hacked into his phone somehow. She has hacked into my dad’s old phone via Apple ID on a previous phone and so read all of his text messages.
We also fear she has our house bugged, but I have no proof of that. It would be hard to locate anything since there are a lot of places to hide bugs and camera in my house. My mom wants to help me move my things into my dorm next semester, and I worry that it would be an opportunity for her to spy on me there too. She already has access to my car, which is another way that she could potentially track me. Again, this is one of the things my family doesn’t have proof of but it seems likely.

I understand my dad messed up. But it is extremely hard to take my mom’s side when she’s spent a majority of my life emotionally, verbally, and financially abusing me even before she got divorced. It’s even harder to take her side when she spends most of her time harassing family members who are in no way responsible for what my dad did. My dad’s entire side of the family is scared of her and I can’t blame them. I don’t know what to do at this point because she controls many aspects of my life and I worry trying to escape from her will just lead her to harassing me.

Edit: Had to fix some clarity stuff