I can't escape from what he made me
I was 13 and he was 15. He was a friend of my sister's who preyed on me when she stopped talking to him and he knew we had a strained relationship, as with the rest of my family. He knew I was vulnerable and used that to steal whatever was left of me and made me hate myself more than what he did to me. It feels like I'm stuck in that house and I'm stuck hating myself wanting to get him out of my head. His voice lingers in the back of my skull at night everything he used to tell me was wrong with me everything he used to do to me and every piece of guilt he left me to feel so he wouldn't have to. He raped me in my favorite dress he told me to shut up so I wouldn't wake his brother who was the same age as me. He didn't even look at me when he left me at his house to go hang with friends after destroying every bit of my innocence i had left. I had started to recover but a year later he slipped back into my life and used the parts of me that were unhealed to crawl his way back into my brain. Then he told me he did it to another girl and tried to make me stay friends with him so i would fix the way he felt. I can't stop watching him through socials and checking his activity. We are about to live in the same city (not by choice) and I feel like this is what made me extremely paranoid and feel the need to 'stalk' him. I don't want him and im not watching him to be fucking weird I just want him to hurt the way i hurt and feel even a bit of remorse for what he did to me. I feel so crazy but I have felt this way for the past 4 years and I feel there is no escape