u/29Ratma29

As above, partner is regularly emotionally manipulated and abused by his four late teen/adult children and an employee of his who he has taken under his wing as a daughter.

His children have been influenced by his very abusive ex so I can’t really hold their behaviour against them as upsetting as it is, but essentially one wont see or talk to him at all any more and bad mouths him to everyone, the other three barely ever see him and, when they do, it’s solely on their initiation and terms and it’s only because they want a lift somewhere or partner offers to spend money on them. They constantly ask him for money and will turn on him if he refuses. He asks what they’re up to and he’s accused of stalking them etc. He messages then to ask after them and they leave him on read. They do ring or message to shout/scream at him and call him abusive names if he says ‘no’.

Partner’s employee is a similar situation but has deep psychological issues from a terrible childhood, so again I can’t really hold it against her. She bosses him around, shouts and screams and calls him the ‘c’ word or ignores him for a full week if he doesn’t jump to her demands during the working day or if he makes a mess at work or he asks her to do something and the wind’s blowing the wrong way.

Partner is outwardly very confident, he is quite bossy and self-serving, very intelligent, very social. He’s extremely nice. A bit controlling and very independent, but in a nice way. I have always only ever been kind to him and we have never argued or had raised voices. Been together 3 years but were living together part-time.

Recently one of the people above put my partner into the usual situation whereby he was under intense abuse from them over a demand of theirs and he gave in to them, but this demand was to my detriment and hurt me emotionally and financially.

First time I’ve been annoyed with my partner - I confronted him and said this person was just being spiteful (as they were) and I had been very hurt by this and when was he ever going to stand up for me and for himself. I told him it hurts me that he allows these people to treat him like this. I said ‘Would you prefer that I shout and scream at you and have a tantrum to get my own way. Do I need to do that for you to stand up for me’

Partner didn’t respond really, says he just needs ‘peace’ and so it’s easier to give in than stand up for me. He did meekly apologise to me and said I hadn’t done anything wrong at all.

He was a bit odd that evening. The following day he immediately said that we were seeing each other too much, he wants to be alone, he wants ‘serenity’ in his life, we’re not working out, we were all a ‘bit of fun’ and now it’s run its course. He doesn’t want a relationship and he only wants to see me once or at most twice a week now and that’s more than enough and we will be ‘done’ otherwise. I’m suffocating him and he feels pressured and needs space.

WTF?! Completely out of nowhere because I disagreed/criticised him and stood up for myself ONCE. We have been absolutely fine, no issues, very involved in each other’s lives and family, living together part time at his, very active social and community life together.

I really feel that the least he could have done in this one situation was to stand up for me if he really does care about me. Until this situation, where I stood up to him for the first time, we were fine and amazing. As above, he’s controlling but in a nice-ish way, eg he’ll choose a film to watch when I’m out of the room getting ready to settle down and he’ll have it on pause at the start ready to go when I get back to the sofa, without asking me if I’m interested in watching it. I’ve never even ‘stood up’ to him before or disagreed with him before in that sort of situation.

What could be the psychology behind his reaction and his actions? Is he embarrassed that I called him out and he’s perceiving himself as ‘weak’? How can I deal with this situation as his partner? I have agreed to give him space, but he is not budging on me seeing him more than twice a week (we were seeing each other every day before).

As above, I 42F and Partner 60M been together3 years. In UK. Partner is the nicest, kindest, most generous and honest person I have ever met. Always laughing and joking. Never a mean word said, not violent. Very, very social and involved in the local community, local Government and voluntary work. Has his own business. Everyone raves about him.

I am quite anxious, but he has really, really helped me develop after past constant abuse from my ex. He always compliments me, if I break something by accident he laughs it off and will fix it or clean up, makes me food, drives me places if needed, very thoughtful and good at remembering what I like. He is always very tactile. Always reassures me. We never argue. He has been very clear that he doesn't want more kids or to marry again and I am clear and happy about that. He has also said that whilst he adores me and cares for me, he will not say he 'loves' me because he has never in his life felt romantically 'in love' enough to say it to anyone (other than his kids). Sure. Fine. Not too happy, but he's calmly told me to just 'let it grow', he was never expecting for me to enter his life and it's been so amazing and that I should see his [love] for me in his words and actions (which I do). I am involved in his daily life, practically live with him part-time, have met all his friends and family and fellow officials and we all go out together socially often etc.

But.......he has issues. I think there's toxic positivity, major avoidant behaviour and severe commitment issues. He also really does not communicate the clearest (which does cause issues in other relationships he has as, for example, he will only send one word answers or just says 'Oh dear' if someone tells him they are upset etc rather than consoling them and just listening). At the moment, he is under enormous stress with cash flow/business/ex-wife/abuse and alienation from kids due to his ex's manipulation.

In June last year there was an issue where he was being so positively happy to people and not wanting to cause them any trouble, that he agreed to attend something with third parties, without making it clear to me that I was not actually invited as I usually would. That massively hurt my feelings as he kept talking about the event in front of me and I made financial and logistical plans based on it. His solution was just to say 'sorry' and then carry on as normal. I got quite emotional and tried to speak to him, but he stonewalled me. I had to pretend all was normal and then he switched right back on to normal again. When the event came around, I was still very upset as I had not had any resolution as to why I was excluded. He was away elsewhere in the country for a few days for the event. He was very stressed out as the third parties involved were causing him issues and he just wanted peace and to let them have their way. I tried to speaking to him on the phone or by message and he turned into a monster, was saying some awful things to me, really gaslit me, then he would be back to normal, then he would flip again and tell me we should break up. I ended up needing to take urgent mental health medical care as I was in complete shock and turmoil. He came back from the event, literally gave me a kiss and a cuddle, and was completely back to normal.

All has been fine since then, but at the moment he is under an inordinate amount of stress and it has even been affecting his memory etc. Unfortunately, another 'event' came up that I was invited to and he got me a ticket. However, someone in his close circle who is 'difficult' shall we say had a massive temper tantrum that they should have been invited, not me. This increased my partner's stress enormously, but as usual he gave in to this manipulative person and said sorry to me, but he better take them to keep the peace. I was really annoyed as I had bought an outfit, booked childcare/hairdresser/time off work etc and I asked why he would not stand up for me. I did get a little emotional and he was acting a bit off with me for the evening.

I was back at home with my child a couple of days after this to receive a message saying that we were not going to work. He doesn't want to be with me. Never has. He wants to reduce the time he spends with me or we are done. He wouldn't let me come over to see him on the usual days I would, very curt and abrupt messages to me, wouldn't take a phone call. I was 'granted' permission to visit him a few days later and stay over the night and he was mostly OK. I just tried to act 'normal' because if I try talking to him about the issue or I get upset, he retreats further, so I feel I have to 'behave' in order to get his attention (this also happened during the instance last year).

Latest issue is that I was 'granted' permission again to go over the other night. I said please can we just talk about this because I'm in limbo, don't know what's happening, I need to know whether to make childcare arrangements with my child's father etc. He immediately shut down. Said this isn't working. 'I don't like this', 'I don't like pressure and by trying to make me talk now you are pressuring me' etc. He then said that all we were had been 'a bit of fun', it's run its course. I inserted myself into HIS life (absolutely did not happen, I am so timid and shy and am normally a homebody, he kept inviting me to events and taking me out with his social circle). He said that we will never live together. If I do not accept his terms of only seeing him now once a week (when we were actually living together part-time at his house) or we break up. He said he never wanted me to 'practically' move in and he should have nipped it in the bud early on and I am suffocating him and smothering him. He wants to be by himself. He doesn't want a relationship with anyone, but when asked why I can still visit him once or twice a week, he said he was doing that for my benefit and being 'kind' to me. He said he cannot give me what I want. It all went too far. This is all his own fault for being too 'kind' to me for so long. He wants space (but it's OK for me to stay over the night in a couple of days).

I now just don't know what to do. I love him so much and have made a lot of sacrifices for him (and he has for me). Could this just be a stress thing? He always says 'his place' is 'our home'. He has let me furnish and decorate some bits. I keep a LOT of my stuff at his. He is the one inviting me and taking me out to everything. He says very loving things to me all the time and is so patient. I can see from his words and actions that he really does care. Everyone who knows him tells me that they can see genuine happiness in him since we've been together. It is a habit of mine that I always apologise thinking I'm in the way etc. If I say that, he always counters with 'Darling, you're never in the way' and 'If I didn't want you here then you wouldn't be here' etc.

Any advice as to whether this has a possibility of working out long term and/or why he might be acting like this? Is he taking it out on me because I am the closest to him? This is only the second time he has ever acted anything like this with me, but the first time he was just like it for a few days, but this time it has been just over a week now. How can I support him, other than give him space?

ETA: Sorry, the main thing I am trying to get across is that my partner has been so supportive with me and my anxiety etc, that I just want to extend him the same courtesy if this could just be a severe stress-related reaction, or the start of a breakdown, or spiraling into self-sabotage. It may not have been clear, but the two times he has acted like this with me he has literally been under extreme stress from either money/business issues or his kids, and is in no way reflective of how he usually acts at all. I am aware that since I've effectively been 'kicked out' of his house for the last 10 days or so that he has been back to working nearly 24/7 again, I think due to money pressure and the need to keep his mind busy. He has a massive subconscious fear of feelings and depression etc and just has to keep his brain distracted. He used to work 24/7 when we first got together, but for at least the last two years (until this incident) he has spent most of his evenings relaxing and doing hobbies (with me when I am there). That leads me to think it could be severe stress and he needs support and patience.