u/24_Ashboundink_5678

Hi all,

I am curious to understand when others post requesting critique or feedback, what makes you read and comment rather then just reading ?

I am quite new to reddit life and have read some things that people have posted. I get anxious about offering any feedback as im not a writer or experienced creative writer (although i joined as i am currently attempting to write a book) so I worry that I couldnt offer much advice.

This is a bit of my inital draft, i am a novice writer and would like some feedback on whether it works or not. Does it carry any pull to make you want to read more. I have tagged NSFW due to using swearwords. Thank you in advance for taking anytime to read it.

Khiomie stood at the archway, and Aygori’s heart stopped momentarily, stunned by the sight of her. Aygori had not come to the clearing for some time, ashamed by his actions the last time he was here. He feared the things that she made him feel, so he had cut himself off.

The obsidian flames had moved, circling around her, not touching her at all. The torches that lit up the clearing burned bright, illuminating beyond the archway, making it easy to see Khiomie’s beauty. Her hair, ice white, was slick across her face, piercing emerald eyes flicking across the archway.

Aygori wanted so much to reach her, to hold her, to take her pain so that it no longer bruised her soul. Aygori could see the distress in the worried lines of her brows and the quick heaving of her chest. Her eyes locked onto his, and for the first time Aygori knew she could see him.

“Help me, please help me, he fucking killed her, he killed her, it’s burning, it’s all-fucking burning and I can’t stop!”

Khiomie’s fist beat against the barrier as she shouted at Aygori. Khiomie was sobbing, pleading, and all that Aygori could do was watch. He tried to move, to push against the chains as he had done before, but he was utterly drained. His muscles were nothing but sand, his bones that of gutted fish. Aygori had never ached as much as he did right now, but it was the ache in his heart that was truly destroying him.

“Please, don’t just fucking stand there, help me, I can’t get through, I can’t, fuck she is dead!

Khiomie collapsed to her knees, burying her head in her hands, her body rocking as she sobbed.

The hound that had remained still this entire time finally moved. It stepped through the barrier as if it was nothing and circled around Khiomie. Khiomie must not have been able to see or feel the hound’s presence, as she did not move. As it made its way back to her head, it looked through the clearing towards Hecate and nodded.

The scent of spice and herbs became thick in the air as Hecate poured what looked like salt in a circle from Aygori’s feet to the archway and back. Once Hecate was done, both Atropos and the Goddess took their positions at opposite ends of the circle, between him and Khiomie. Growler was sat before her, Annaya was back with him, sitting as close to him as she could.

They all knew their places. They all had prepared for this.

All except the two beings it impacted most.

Aygori and Khiomie had been thrown into a endless pit, no guarantee that they would survive.

Something moved beyond the barrier.

It was not Khiomie.

But it came from her.

Shimmering black shadows seeped from her skin. They swayed and swirled with ethereal grace, coming together to form a body. Her body. Flecks of starlight shimmered throughout the midnight black that was the metaphysical form of Khiomie. Aygori marvelled as it still had the ice-white hair flowing in thick curls around it.

It looked at the hound, placing a shadowed hand on its head. The hound led the form through the archway, through the barrier, until she stood completing the circle of divine beings.

The form that was Khiomie locked onto Aygori, moving quickly towards him. The hound moved to sit in front of the Fate.

Aygori looked to both Hecate and Atropos, but they were lost within their chanting. If they were aware of what the shadow was doing, they did not appear bothered. Aygori looked beyond her to check on Khiomie, she remained head buried, the black flames still flickering around her.

As the shadow closed the space between them, Aygori stiffened, tension making his spine rigid. Up close, the shadow was just as beautiful as Khiomie. Her features were, of course, not defined, but the outline of her lips was still there, the curves of her body the same.

The shadow did not have the emerald green eyes that had captured Aygori, but the searing silver starlight that shone from them was just as enchanting.

Heat prickled between them, static running across his flesh. Aygori could see the shadow felt it too, the shimmering starlight flickering in the same rhythm.

Her eyes took him in. The corner of her lips curved into a smile.

Aygori’s throat thickened, his chest tightening almost painfully. Did she know him? Did this manifestation of Khiomie know who he was, enough to smile at him?

Aygori would not weep, but it was taking more effort than it should to hold back his tears.

What was before him was a part of Khiomie. He felt it, he knew it deep within his soul. If he was to guess, it was her power, her divinity—and she knew him.

The shadow’s hands clasped his face, and Aygori swallowed the wince as his skin met hers. It was not pain as such; it was a stinging sensation that was both an ice-cold burn and a heated, burning desire. The sensation raced through Aygori, awakening his nerves, his mind, his muscles. Every fucking inch of him.

Before Aygori could take another breath, the shadow leaned in and kissed him.

Aygori was surprised, unsure of what to do.

The shadow kissed him deeply, needlingly, as if she wanted him as much as he had wanted her all those years.

The dual burning sensation, ice and fire, intensified within Aygori. His blood rushed fiercely within his veins, and without thought or rational, he leaned into the kiss. He gave back what the shadow was so desperatly giving him.

For a moment, for a blissful, sweet, delicious moment, Aygori’s world spun with something other than trauma. His heart raced, his cock twitched, and he growled with frustration as he could not move his arms, he could not reach out and touch her, hold her.

The shadow pulled back, as if she could sense his frustration. She looked down at the chains that bound him, as if seeing them for the first time.

Black flames rippled from her as she placed her hands on the metal and began trying to melt it. The heat began to blister Aygori’s skin, but the metal remained solid.

The shadow’s head whipped around, black flames becoming thick, angry, casting across her form.

The shadow was angry.

She was pissed that Aygori was chained.

And as she found Hecate, she stormed towards her without hesitation.

What happened next was too quick.

A flash of golden threads surged from the Fate’s fingers and lassoed around the shadow just as she was about to reach Hecate. The shadow let out a furious scream as it fought against the threads, as it was yanked back from its target.

Aygori too felt the stinging sensation of each thread slice across his skin, his own scream mirroring the shadow’s.