I (28F) discovered a list my partner (32M) made of all the things he wants to change about me
My (28F) partner (32M) and I have been together for nearly 4 years. I want to start this off by saying this isn’t something I do, but for some reason this morning I picked up his journal and read the most recent entry. I know this is wrong, and I regret doing it. Especially because now I have read things that have hurt me immensely.
Basically, the entry was about me and our relationship. He had a list of things he didn’t like about me when we first started dating (he didn’t think my job was cool, didn’t like my friends, thought I was too shy, I didn’t have a lot of hobbies, and I wasn’t outdoorsy). He also had a list of things he wants to change about me now (he wants me to be more physically fit, wants me to be more outdoorsy, wants me to be less shy, wants me to have more hobbies). He wrote “is it okay that I’m excited to meet other people?” and then circled it. He thinks I am “intensely dedicated” to our relationship and it makes him uncomfortable.
I’m obviously feeling very hurt. I have always known we were very different, but I have come to embrace it and would never ask him to change himself. I feel like we do a lot together, and I am always planning something fun for us to do. I’m not the most athletic, but I love to travel and experience new things.
I have always felt pressure from him to indulge in his hobbies with him. And I have! I tried them out, they aren’t for me, I have my own hobbies and I’m content with that. But it never seems to be enough for him. His friend group is extreme, they are very outdoorsy, party every weekend doing drugs and staying up til 4AM. They are very social and it’s been hard for me to feel like I fit in or belong with them.
He has struggled to fully commit our entire relationship. He is very flighty and runs away from conflict. He tells me he wants to get married, and then turns around and says he doesn’t feel the need to be with someone forever.
For context, in his previous relationship he shared all the same hobbies with his ex. She was athletic, had a cool job, but he broke up with her because there “wasn’t enough passion” and he felt like he was dating his friend. With me, the passion is there but I’m “too dedicated” and “don’t share the same hobbies”. I feel like he expects to date himself
I’m sorry if this is all over the place, I feel pretty scattered. I’m seeking advice, opinions, or personal stories. I’m not sure how to move forward, and obviously I don’t want to tell him I read this.
TLDR; My (28F) partner (32M) wrote a list of things he wants to change about me, and things he doesn’t like about me. Is this worth being upset over?