u/20Luc1a02

Spent four years studying a thing I was told would lead to good career opportunities, took on debt that everyone said was an investment in my future, and ended up in a job I could have gotten without a degree at all.

The whole bargain of college was supposed to be that you pay a lot now and earn it back through better wages later, but the wages didn't materialize for most of us, and now we're left with the debt without the payoff.

And the messaging from older generations is still that education is priceless and we should be grateful, even as the cost has increased far beyond what any reasonable return on investment would justify.

It's not that college isn't valuable in some abstract sense - it's that we sold an entire generation a financial product disguised as an educational opportunity, and the product turned out to be predatory.

And now we're called entitled when we point out that the deal we were told to take wasn't actually a good deal, that the system that benefited our parents was already collapsing by the time we got there, and that being told to "work harder" doesn't fix structural problems we didn't create.

I cannot even imagine how the relationship between me and AI at work has changed so rapidly that I can't even keep pace.

Initially, it was just like a search engine for me. I would ask a question, get the answer, check the answer, and go further.

Currently, it is: I assign the task to it, it comes up with a draft, I make edits, and then I send it off. The final piece carries my name. It is supposed to reflect my judgment. Though, the very first version was not mine.

So, in this context, what precisely am I?

I am not the writer. The original language did not come from me. Even an editor is not what I am - I determined the direction, set the parameters, made the decision on what remained and what was changed. I am not in charge. It has no ambitions or a profession. It is indifferent whether the result is good, it just generates.

The very best I can do is to describe it as: I am the individual accountable for the result of the entity that can produce at a rate faster than I can assess and whose mistakes are quite hidden until they become obvious.

This means that I take all the blame without having done the initial work, and I do not have enough time to completely check the work for which I am held responsible.

My employer likens AI to a mere tool. Just like a hammer, they say.

Well, a hammer doesn't confidently write false statements. It doesn't even produce a passage that is - almost - correct in the "expert knowledge" kind of way. Besides, it can't imitate my writing style so convincingly that my boss won't spot the difference - which implies that if the AI errs, it is mistaken for me.

That premise about the hammer breaks down when the tool begins making decisions on its own.

At present, I don't know what the perfect analogy could be. Maybe no one does. I just happen to be the one responsible for giving the green light while everyone else is still figuring things out.

Had a date last night. Went fine, I think. Then I got in my car and immediately started replaying every conversation, wondering if I said something weird.

Did I laugh too hard at that one joke? Did I talk about myself too much? Was the thing I said about my job actually interesting, or did he do that polite-but-bored face?

By the time I got home, I'd convinced myself the date was terrible. Even though it felt fine while it was happening. Then I started reading our old texts, looking for clues about what he really thinks.

My friend says I'm overthinking it. If he had a good time, he'll text me. But not knowing is somehow worse than just being told no. At least then I could move on instead of analyzing the way he said "this was fun" for hidden meanings.

I used to just enjoy a date without auditing it afterwards. Now every social interaction comes with this post-game analysis where I pick apart everything I said and decide I should have said something else.

The worst part is I do this even with friends I've known for years. Leave a hangout, immediately wonder if I was annoying or if they were just being polite. Like my brain won't accept that maybe people just enjoy spending time with me.

There's this group chat with people from a class I took two years ago and I've never sent a single message in it, but I can't leave because everyone will get a notification that I left and then they'll all see it.

So I just stay, watching their conversations, occasionally reacting with a thumbs up to seem present, like I'm a ghost haunting a chat that has nothing to do with my actual life.

I have multiple of these - old job group chats, friend-of-friend group chats, one from a wedding I went to three years ago - and they all just sit on my phone reminding me of social obligations I don't actually have.

My friend said just leave them, nobody will notice, but somebody always notices, and then it becomes a whole thing where someone messages me asking why I left, and I'd rather just stay silent than have that conversation.

So I'm trapped in these digital rooms full of people I barely remember, watching their inside jokes about events I wasn't at, feeling like I'm intruding even though I'm technically a member.

The notifications stress me out but the act of leaving stresses me out more, so I just mute everything and pretend the chats don't exist while still being technically present in them.

I began this work in 2019. Before that, mornings used to be different. Tuesdays used to be different. I can tell because I remember things. However, I just can't get that feeling anymore.

Who am I before this work? What were her goals? What did she fear? How did she spend her free time? I have the data. I don't have the emotion.

Working here was a big factor in who I became. I adjust my sleeping pattern to the work hours. My social energy level will only be broadcast if I have a willingness. A great week equals a great week here.

I don't imply that it is wrong. Actually, it is impossible to work forty hours a week and remain unchanged.

However, the change is significant. I didn't realize it was this big until now.

One of my friends gave a job quitting last year. She said the first month was disorienting. She didn't know what to do with her mornings. She had to discover who she was without the regularity.

On hearing this, I thought: I don't even know who I am without the regularity either.

Maybe it's okay. And perhaps that's the standard. Many people, especially in the USA and at this particular life stage, identify themselves with their jobs. It's not really crazy. It just is what happened.

Nevertheless, I am putting it in writing. Just in case it is of any interest later.

I just received a message from my phone service provider that they are going to increase the price once again. They blame the supply chain costs. The global trade situation. That's what they said.

Tariffs on electronics have been raised. That led to an increase in my phone bill. Has anyone thought whether I am able to afford a couple of extra dollars a month? I can't really. But also, I can't imagine living without a phone.

Phone is just one example. Coffee groceries gas, all are slowly increasing. Due to the tariffs that are claimed to be preserving American jobs. However, I don't work in manufacturing. My job is not being protected and yet my expenses are going up.

The most infuriating thing is how they present it. This is good for the economy. Workers are protected. But I am also a worker. This is making my life more difficult rather than better.

One of my friends who works in the technology sector is trying to get by with his laptop for another year because buying a new one is out of the question. Tariffs didn't protect his job either.

I have reduced as much as I can. No more coffee outside, home cooking. There is nothing left to cut out.

No one is consulting the actual payers of these costs if they are able to bear them. We are simply expected to take it to be the fact. However, my budget is not a toy that can be stretched indefinitely. I've scissored my lifestyle to the bone. No coffee out, cooking at home. There is just no room for further cuts.

So when my phone bill becomes more expensive, that means money that I'm not using for something else, or that I may even have to put on my credit card. And it's not only the phone that is going up in costs. Things are getting more expensive all around, and none of the reasons have to do with me but everything to do with my wallet.

Those who set tariffs probably think about trade policies and manufacturing jobs. But I am the one who is trying to make ends meet. And those bills have become more difficult to pay for me.

I found a jacket I liked online. It's 160 bucks. Quite pricey. But if I pay it in four instalments of 40, that won't be a big deal. 40 bucks is nothing after all. So I hit the buy button.

Now in 3 months, I am checking my credit card statement and wondering why I have no money. There are 4 separate 40 bucks charges for things which I have forgotten I am still paying for.

Buy Now Pay Later is a business model that disguises debt as a favor to the customer. They don't even term it as a loan. They call it dividing payments. 40 bucks seems like a negligible sum. 160 bucks, on the other hand, is a major decision.

Besides, most of these offer you no interest at all which makes you feel quite alright about it. But no interest doesn't mean no debt. I am still owing the money. The fact that it is split up just serves to mislead me into thinking that it isn't so.

One of my friends has six BNPL purchases going at the same time: a phone clothes furniture. She is paying $200 monthly altogether, but it doesn't seem like $200 to her as it's $30 here, $40 there. Each one is very small, but combined they totally consume her budget.

The apps eliminated every instance where you might pause and reconsider. No credit check, instant approval, one click. The time where you want something and the time when you purchase it is gone.

I used to have to save money for a long time. Now I can get it immediately and handle the outcome later. And companies are aware of this. They build the entire experience in a way that you forget you are spending money you don't have.

So yes, it's a loan. Only it's not called that.