Well I'm in 11th grade in school and I don't love myself I have a lot of thought of committing but haven't at all and I'm just tired of it all and I want to sleep for ever though, sometimes I don't feel like I'm the best looking guy and I'm not the most extroverted either and I do have a corn or lust addiction I can't really help it but it's destroying me and I hate it but can't help it at all
I'm gonna trauma dump for a bit but at 13 I was sextorted, and at 14 my mom died at 11 I felt isolated, and this was post covid, so around 2021 (6th grade)
but around maybe (12 years old) 7th grade I was in a friend group more like a fake kinda one, and there was this one girl in the group that I did like though, well at this time I didn't really know how to talk to women, you might cringe or just get embarrassed at this part.
But I kinda got into her personal space and it wasn't sexual or anything like that, it was more like touching knees, shoulders, hands etc, that stuff, looking I thought I was that guy, in reality I wasn't at all, she did tell the office about it and I got what I deserved
and the reason why I said fake was because the group didn't like me, they had a separate group chat where I was not in there and talked behind my back and all that, I was weird basically, I was just trying to fit in and it didn't work, so yeah
well now I still feel depressed and suicidal, I don't know, I keep telling myself I don't deserve to live at all but in reality all I want is to not fell lonely anymore and try to get rid of the addiction and have a girlfriend as well, to be happy for once, most of the time whenever I look at a girl in the halls or whatever I question whether I like them or they're body, because going for their body is just wrong and I would break their, I don't want them to feel like their being used for sex or anything like that, I don't want to use them for their body basically, it'd break their hearts