u/1ord_Potat0

So, I remember at a really young age I had this thought: "I don't want to be a girl, I'm a boy" except I realised I wasn't a boy and kind of forgot about it. Then I got to secondary school and came across a video about being non binary and instantly connected and went, of wow, that's me. So I explored and I was comfortable being non binary and I changed my name. At home and at school I was was a girl, and then to my friend I was nonbinary and these felt like two different people. Being a girl felt like a mask. Then -long story short- my parents knew but never said they knew and when I finally worked up the corouge to speak about it they related badly. I got told by my parents over the years that I think im non binary because im neurodivergent and because I dont relate to neurological girls I think im nonbinary when im not. I knew I was nonbinary though. But then I got exhausting because none of my friends actually saw me as nonbinary but a girl, and my new name just because my girl name. And then I went to 6th form and I went as a girl with my deadname and I know that I cant ever be nonbinary if I want a good career and I sont want to face the harassment for being nonbinary in the work place, and being out didnt go well so it was easier. The thing is, I dont think about gender. I dont think about having gender until someone calls me a girl. I love my body and I dont get dysphoric about it and I dont hate my period because it's just a function of having a uterus. I like looking feminine and I like looking masculine and I wear what I want. I get uncomfortable when people call me a girl or push me into gendered boxes, or try to make me like things because of gender. But, if I went to 6th form as a girl and managed, does that mean I've been making it up this whole time. Was it a phase if I dont think about it day to day until I start obsessing. It feels wrong to be non binary when im a girl at college and going to have a girl persona at work and in my career, but then I cant imagine pretending to be a girl while dating. Im really confused.